Benvenuti

You know that perfect moment when you realize you have found the love of your life?

Well, I do not.

After many posts in the past couple months, I decided it was time to properly introduce myself. My real name is a bonus you get on the sidebat as you read through my "words of wisdom", but I might as well be known to you as Lucy. Think of me as that girl that hates cliches, yet ends up crying when watching a romantic comedy. The one that has as much luck in her love life as she does in writing terrible poetry, and yet here she wrote so much about a man with a girl. Here is the deal: that man is gone, he finally found away out of my World and now instead of spending my time chasig a never-returning love, I let the boys do the chase. Not that I won't be of help but I promise to be a little less of a man when it comes to those things. Right now, college is my life: I am so consumed with it that my freetime is considered going on tumblr on the weekends and studying weeks ahead. Overachiever? I think not.

I want to share with you my feelings: some days in works that showcase much emotion and description, and others might as well be lessons I learn as I walk through the streets of Miami.

I will make a promise to you (though I hate doing so): I will write at least every other day and I hope to bring something soothing, exciting, or helpful in your life.

Stick around, I might be somewhat interesting ✌️

Deep Wounds

Shaking from coffee or from the fact you broke my heart all over again?

The Iliad in my hands, 12:03 AM. Your words seem like a joke through text message, but yet you let them happen. You let it all fall down on me again. A friend? Lover? I beg to differ. The distance scares you yet you give me no choice but to find another to warm my body with one kiss. I am strong until the moment I am weak. Usually in your arms, and only because of you. No blame, but mere appreciation of a fallen god who seems to know just what to do to make me question everything over and over again. I wished to stop making sense and putting your affection into words, right here, and yet your soul i surrounding me and wants nothing away from here. 

So how do you sleep at night if I can't?

So much I want to tell you, 

So many questions I want to ask you.

You let it all fall down on me again. 

Even That Chance

My words turned to ash, and I have been skinned-off from all I need and want.
You were my muse and now it is as though you faded with every part I hate about myself. The irony in this "relationship" has reached a whole new meaning. I wish to watch the leaves shiver as the wind blows them far far away from their home and not care what you did in the past hour because I bet it involved rolling under the sheets with all of her beauty and grace.
Watch as the next few days I use the image of you to inspire the best in me and slowly push you out. Again, a chaos is there, but I am solving it and turning it into something that could be considered beautiful in its own heartbreaking way.
Sometimes I am blocked. My head would freeze in a moment of all this free-writing and shut itself out of this World. My World. The greater purpose to all this is to show you what I feel and see. I would love to talk about men and what they do to me but I would rather tell you how I still do not know what I want to do with myself, and now, without a muse, without any person but myself, to guide these thoughts I am left to ramble and and already write when my classes asked for it. But isn't that sad? Once a writer who could go on forever about every touch, every bump on his perfect body, to staring at the bright light of this screen and wondering what's next? We all need a little help but in different things. I, for one, can only help myself in the messes I make. I would use a metaphor for this but it is pretty self-explanatory. I dream of finding someone new to come into my World as a strong but beautiful perfume would do to a room.
I see something, there, all the way in the back., I am still not sure what it is but it involves many smile exchanges and looks that send happiness through my spine. I guess nothing left to do but wait and see when will his face show clear enough for me to understand it.
But you know what? This has its own beauty. The wait for the unknown. I guess we are all so scared of it that when something doesn't come with ease we find ways to push it away. Maybe if we tried pulling it in for once, and letting it have its affect things wouldn't be as complicated as they always seem.

Shitty First

The skies are dull as the rains pours

sending my love on a new course

in life where there is no us together, 

yet it seems as if that way it is better.

I find the attraction hard to resist

and how quick it has turned to mist.

So fast a poem is lost in there

and it is all far too hard for me to bear.

No rhythm, no talent to stow

upon my life in this fast blow

as I am to leave oversea tonight

and he will never with that put up a fight.

I am lost in thought, deep inside

where there are many things to hide,

as I am mysterious as the black sea

covering from the love of thee,

all I begged for was your love to be mine

and for it to become intertwined and fine.

As your lips may brush past those on me in pink

and no ship for me was supposed to sink, 

and the time for me to let you be is soon to come

and who am I to hide from

this life you have brought me to 

the minute you touched through

my heart and soul and made it yours to keep,

forever you will stay inside, far too deep...

Thought Keeper

I might have lost my muse to be left with words unspoken.
Let the warmth sink in as I imagine myself on the beach back home, writing to release all that I feel. Do you ever find yourself inspired by music to a point you are hardly aware of what is going on around you and what universe you belong to? Well, I do.
My muse is further away with every minute. One pull closer to me, and many pushed back to her. I am almost certain I lost in this game of love, where I had so little to give yet I end up with a broken heart. The friend is still as close as ever, but we all know it doesn't feel the same. I am to leave tonight, to see my loving parents and sibling, as there wis much planned not involving my heartache. I learned to deal with it that dull day reminded by its tears and screams with some begging for his affection. Now I get the amount I am not sure I can handle yet I need it.
To be as strange as I am, mess comparing your lost lover to a work by Chopin. Oh, the beautiful tragedy behind that story, if only you knew every detail behind those dark and painful eyes...
There will be much to inspire me as soon as I feel the spring showers pour down on my clothes, and smell the freshly grown flowers linger to the tears of the sky. I am hoping the distance gives me  new view on many things because I could use a new perspective to this life.
I have made some clean decisions regarding many recent happenings, and there is much more I have to learn. The dedication with which I am currently learning languages, reading books, and cleaning up my messes have proved me as decent person, I would say.
Now, I ramble, and talk of thousands of different things through one post. Is it because I have too many things to say? To live by/ I am not sure of that, but I know that as chaotic as it may seem, it is all in a disconnectedly perfect order inside my brain. Let it go, let it go, let it go...

I Want It All

Days off from writing and I feel like I've been missing a great part of myself.
So, school is officially over. All the finals and last things to turn in are done and there is nothing gore to do or to say. Well, not until May 11th, that is.
I know my name still rings in his ear, and my scent is nothing something that will soon leave his presence. Although I've released myself from love and all the burdens of it, I still feel the same. Don't you think I want to change that as well? 20, and stuck in the same game, losing every turn I have. Well, if anything, I have not cried,  and I have been taking myself as the more important person here by pushing towards becoming something and someone, and not staying nowhere while everyone moves on with their lives.
At this point I am tired. I've made great plans for the next semester, and to be honest, I cannot wait to get on with it. I set some expectations too high but there is no better way in making me do actual work.  Classes including Rhetoric & Writing, Nutrition and a lab, and Western Civilization: Early Europe, all ask for my complete attention through which I will prove myself as someone worthy of going to FIU and becoming a well known blogger (or whatever life throws at me). I need to tell you something though: I need bigger motivation than  what I've had so far because with this much of it nothing will be finished. I can't keep on starting on the right foot and fucking up by end of the semester because that is not how life works. Also, I am leaving back home on Monday and that should be enough inspiration to write to you what I feel, love, and want. I have all I could've ever asked for: now it is up to me to make something out of it.
I think it took me turning 20 to realize all I've done wrong so far. No more excuses, no more filters, I am putting all of me out there and I will get the results I want.

And...Action!

Apparently, as a blogger (or any "job" assimilated with writing, you are allowed to use writer's block as an excuse for not blogging daily, not having written a bestseller in the past 10 years, or for just being lazy, as we all probably are.
I've learned to appreciate the love I have for him by concentrating on things that are more important in my life. I am raising my standards not only in love, but in everything I do in my life. This Summer, my main goal is to pass with A's- no questions asked. I need to show myself that I can do magic under a short period of time. The main reason I have failed so far is due to the lack of motivation. It's not that I didn't have it, I just didn't concentrate on it properly to give me a reason to prove myself. My organizational skills (time management) is shitty to a point where there is no organization, and it is all chaotic: because of which I decided to concentrate on smaller problems (think love life), and divide my attention from the real ones.
Right now, the main reason I am writing is to motivate myself: that is what writers do after all, isn't it? All I am lacking is my own laptop (because God know what happened to mine to just give up on me), organizational abilities, focus (you know that is always the hardest button to button), etc.
I change my career ideas from day to day. I do want to study Journalism, but as I am, I want to do some Public Speaking and even Broadcasting because all of that media sounds like a life worth living for me. I know some people get a kick out of biology or math, but we are all different no matter how similar, and it's great we have different plans to encounter in our lives. The reason I look for love is because once I find it I will be completely devoted to my future since a great part of it will be there. To turn to that side a little for now, I just want someone who want cling on to me in a way that will scare me off, but stay there in a way they could prove their trust, loyalty and love to me, as I wish the same. I always thought of myself as a romantic, but not a cliche one.
Now, this has turned into rambling, and I have much work to do because of finals starting tomorrow. I hope my life gets more interesting tomorrow, because as much as it is fun, that is how much there is something missing whether important or not.

Repeat, Reverse

Promises were made, and fools were played.
As I told myself of the changes I need to make, that is how much I haven't even worked on them. Sometimes you notice them, but usually they just fade into darkness. I write on my blog mentally throughout every day of my imperfectly perfect life. I find myself dazed as I wonder why not have a nice laptop on my lap at all times as I ponder in silence. For that I would need actual space and quiet, which is not given to me until I am completely alone and lost in my dreams, on the verge of a sleep paralysis.
I know I promised myself to not let his acts divide my attention as much as they do, but he is still a part of me that I cannot deny or put aside. When you get used to just a short text message every couple of hours, you learn to appreciate it, and even get used to it (which is not necessarily good, but what do I know). As I lay on a bed, with real friend's arms around me, and those words that beat through me: "You know you can talk to me about anything right?" I wonder if what I am doing is just a facade of happiness or is it all real? He has been there for me so last night, I cried for the first time after weeks of not letting those salty drips stream down my face. It felt strange, new even, as I hugged him tightly and listened to the wisdom of which he spoke. You wouldn't believe how much such moments connect people.
The hugs that ran in every once in a while had a beautiful ring to them. As it was cold on my back from the A/C, yet warm up front from his body's grasp, I got some insight on nostalgia carved deep inside me.
I am still a broken love toy, waiting to be fixed. 
Nothing is wrong with me, really, but I go "balls deep" when in love. If you manage to open up my book of secrets, prepare for instant attached whether intentional or not. Trust me, they all seem interesting, but goddamn you, and your very existence, for fucking with my head so much.
After the day of yesterday, which brought that sadness, today was different, fresh. I am not sure I can handle all these mood swings, but I will try again, since I do not want to give up on you. The touch of our noses is so sweet, and everything it brings is agonizing me with such pain I can hardly hold it through. No more tears over you, this time for real. I do not need that from you. Just show me the care you have withing you, and I will be good. Until then, I hope someone that much better comes along, and blows me out of proportion. I need to breathe fresh air, I cannot keep on consuming your neck and what it does to me.

Old Songs

The urge building up inside me was stronger than what I felt before. 

We haven't talked in a long time, he was in this crazy love story through the time of Valentine's Day, when all that mattered was not being alone. And yet I spent than night with a mojito and donuts on hands, while watching the movie Bad Grandpa. Yea, it was that bad. 

He wanted to catch up due to the fact we haven't spoken in a long time and we had a thing going on before. It was nice, short, and easy, although it was never proven to me how important was I really. Funny how he spend the time repeating how much fun he had with me, and that he actually misses me. I believe, only because he already has a booty call on hand now so he doesn't need a excuse to hook up with me, especially not now after all that has been happening. 

We talked, caught up as he planned on (not really but OK), and then we went was a walk through a Nature Reserve on campus. Nothing expected when at one point he pulls me close to him and tells me how much he misses me. He proved it with his kisses which I did not forget. If there is one thing he was great at it is kissing. Of course he wanted it to lead to more, but with my new rules and changes, that is about as far is goes. For now, at least. He is leaving this summer, with no certainty on coming back, and you should know he is not interested in relationships until he finds the right girl. Well, I got to blow off some steam and show myself the world without that one man that is still a great part of me. He will stay here until he packs his bags and leaves on his own, because I will not be the one to push him out this time around, while we are friends waiting for some miracle to happen. 

You see, I am not one of  those who ever believed in getting back together with someone who is no longer the present lover, but I guess it was meant for only serious relationships because I repeated things with men who were only part of me in a friendly/dating world. But still, beware: your story could differ very much from mine, I just speak in the name of myself and some other girl/guy who found themselves lost in a person's eyes wondering if they will leave soon or stay forever. 

Until Next Time

I don't have to write. Instead, I want to write. I have this part of me that has been pushing me to throw all of my inside art into something worth of public affection (or hatred; all depending on how you feel about me as you read my scrambled "blogger" words).
He is a funny guy. The one I usually tell you about. I enjoy his friendship no matter what, and it hasn't been hard. To be completely honest, it has been amazing. Mind you, the sexual tension grows at moments but it falls back to average being that we have limits to follow. But I don't want to spend a post just writing about my greatest inspiration. Instead, let me tell you how life has been going for me.
Next week is Finals Week. Probably the scariest of the entire semester, being that is the icing on the cake we like to call Spring Term 2014. Instead of being your usual college student, my interest has been growing by each day due to the fact I have future plans that need to follow through for me to succeed. That means taking at least one Summer Term and kicking its ass and showing the world how amazing this girl of the name Lucija is.
I know the beauty in college is supposed to be to enjoy that "Greek" life and still feel free until it is time to do some actually job we might hate for the rest of our lives, but I would rather do the work now, and enjoy later. Don't stress: I still enjoy life in its own way. I have friends whom I spend most of my time with, and parents who love and care for me, plus myself- as the most important person of this story.
I also know that I disappoint in the amount I write sometimes but keep in mind it all depends on how inspired a person is and as much as I get inspirational moments through the day, by the time I get a hold of a working computer in private, it is too late to capture those beautiful thoughts on black and white.

Happy?

I feel zen. As if all my troubles have vanished through the nights since my birthday. Now it is as if there are no complications, and I can enjoy the simplicity of life. 

No! Wrong answer. But let me enjoy my mental stability as it is now because I am not sure when it will feel this way next. Deep down, under all the wires that have build my body, there lies a piece of me I feel as close to me the minute I am near him. It is the awe and care I feel for him. You know he will never truly leave my skin as he has become a part of it, but there are moments where, as much as I don't want to, I still hope. How stupid can I really be? But, it is different this time around. No tears, no begging. Just pure, tragic love. Well, not Shakespearean tragedy per say, but it is one of the modern age. 

My skin smells of gingerbread due to using a body butter that was meant to be used around Christmas time. Too bad I love warm, spicy scents any time of the year, and wish I could only keep Fall and Spring under my arm. I want someone to open up my eyes and let me see out of this love box I am still, subconsciously, stuck in. I will not write much to you now because I am too relaxed to let my feelings soar freely, but the lesson for today should be: Never let go of the good, but leave behind the bad. I would love to cite, but this just came up on my mind and I do not remember reading it anywhere. I learned this on my own, but I won't take credit for the quote itself. I just feel as though seeing some good in a lot of bad could bring you happiness more than looking for a little bad in much good would. 

Laters, Babe

I never thought I would actually come through and write every day on this blog (well, give or take some days).
We all know I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. Just as much as I don't believe that if you do good same will be done to you, or something like that. The more I barge into this world of writing, reading, and whatnot, the more sarcasm I grasp, the view gets different, and I feel like I am a male journalist from the 1950's. Why that age? Well, it has something to do with all in black and white, suits, and astonishingly beautiful women fucking up every man's life. To think things have changed. So, I have been reading 50 Shades of Grey. More and more each day. Yes, the book gets me to I point where I can actually feel Mr. Grey pull my hair and ask me to beg for him. wouldn't you think it is kind of crazy that the man I spend most time writing about on this blog is a more appropriate version of Christian himself? Oh, the irony is there, no doubt about it.
The balls are still in his court, and I am just waiting for the game to start (as if it ever ended, ha). I meant that in the best way possible, and not in the one you imagine as you read this. Let me tell you something, as much as I am complicated and confusing to everyone I know, that is exactly hoe much more men manage to phase me in the same way. You have learned to deal with my random train of thoughts so I hope you didn't get lost in the middle of the post. I am still here, as lucid as ever, managing to comply love into everything.
As I always share with you what I learn from my male-inflicted experience, let me show you around something that pisses me off. So, we are friends, right? It was made as clear as the Mediterranean Sea. And I have told you I hate talking on the phone, what do you do? You do not call me on my phone ever again, unless I suddenly change my mind (good luck with that).  As well as that, why do I give off the idea of being mad over texts? Excuse my lack of emotion as I send you a text saying ok lol. It's tragic, really, more than anything. I usually honestly do not mind phone calls if done with the right person, but damn straight you won't call me if I tell you no. It' such a simple response but funny how people can't accept it.
As I officially turned a randomly fucked up post into a rant about men who will never have a romantic chance with me, I see it is time for me to stop typing and go back to reading, because Grey' s body isn't going to touch itself.

Born With IT

It would be a lie to say I look for inspiration by calling for some things to happen. To truth lies in spontaneous, tricky little fucked up moments.
So, here is the deal: as much as I enjoy being his friend because he is still my number one (as I called him today) guy person. Strange name to give to anyone, but it happened. I explained to him it all because of our personalities joining from different poles. Now, the further away, the greater the connection, maybe? I won't admit to that being true because there is always some common ground and I need far more experience to be the judge, but for now I find myself in more interest with the man who doesn't let his emotions show and with opposes my almost-dramatic behavior. You see, I shouldn't be giving love advice to anyone, given my age and experience (well, with that I call actually cook up a meal), but I still do and only according to how I see things. I consider myself open-minded, but goddammit, when it comes to things I experience up-close and personal, I can't do but stay closed inside my little shell of emotions. Funny story; that has been changing as well.
But it is a good change. Now, I said before I have been looking for him in almost every guy I have any romantic interest in, and I didn't lie. His looks are first to give my eyes a "kick". With that trimmed beard going on, always in dark and simple colors, plump lips waiting for a kiss, and let me not get to those eyes. As simple or basic they might seem to you, they caught me off guard. He is exactly the type of attractive a woman wants to next to her: hot enough to keep you wanting him by your side (naked, of course) but still not too much for me to feel uncomfortable next to. No man yet compares. And yes, it has been a short period, a few weeks of being friends, but that is forever in my world.
As I read 50 Shades of Grey I find myself wanting a Christian Grey and I only read the first three chapters. I know what you are thinking: you are not even aware of the things that man does. Oh, trust me: I am. Jut the attraction is described exactly how I want it to be. Well, these books have me going crazy, wanting my future the way it has been imagined more than ever.
I see myself in the grand city of New York: a laptop in front of me, newspaper (yes, old school) by the side, coffee con leche on other (yes, first thing I am a fan of that is Cuban, no offense), typing as I am now discovering what life brings by each day.
Well, you might think this is my imagination going wild but I am aiming for such highness since I know I can do it, not because everyone gets lucky with it.

Post-It

I remembered how much you enjoed sucking my tongue while we kiss, and my body fillled with joy.

But then I remembered. I like us now better then before. I am calm and you opt what you wanted. The wait is long gone but no man interests. Ok, to be completely honest there might be some "potential material" whose smile today gave me hope. But I have a feeling inside he is already taken by some beautiful girl for the past 2 years and counting. They all are: either gay or taken. I am not sure when desperate times call for desperate measures but I am not there yet: I still have some respect for myself and it is growing higher and higher. Admit it: when was the last time you truly felt comfortable in your own soft skin? 

I had a beautiful night if it makes for better. A friend who understood just what I needed after 2 cuban coffees in a day, and nothing my fruit to fill the void iny stomach. It was cuddling. Something I refuse to do most of the time, as it is a show of greater affection. But in the arms of a real person, whose feelings matter and where they respect yours, it is warm, soft and familiar: not sexual nor distant, as most end up to be. After that my body had been put to zen and I was free to roam the roads while raging to "Phoenix" by no other than Fall Out Boy. No fangirling allowed, but it was 6th grade that introduced me to their music, and I have not let go since. Still have the same respect for them.right now, I will curl up under two blankets and enjoy 50 Shades of Grey, since I seem to be the onlg female in all of American population who hasn't enjoyed the S & M world of Ana And Christian.

As I have not read further than Chapter 2, my thoughts on the book are yet to come (pun intended). After readig Love and Chaos whose love story gave me more ideas of failure than hope, I need something to make my world spin harder than any supernatural inspired book had done (don't judge, we all fan over at least one of those).

The Pyramid of Truth

I realized once already curled up under the covers that I forgot to tell you how I feel and what has been going on in my life, dear reader.
As you might've guessed, my love life is currently at a point where there is nothing happening and nobody is good or interesting enough. Yes, I have raised my standards so high and it feels so good no matter how lonely I get. It has come to mind that the very minute I get stressed about school or something similar, I tend to stress over my invisible love life instead because it's a small problem and could be solved with ease. I assort of judged today, by an acquaintance, based on the book I am reading. With its name being "Love and Chaos", he rolled his eyes and went on to tell me that the typical stories of the girl moving into New York and having doors open to the fashion industry doesn't exist in real life. I beg to differ.
Look at me, writing as often as I can (although it could be more often) and trying to express my thoughts and finding solutions to daily problems by sharing my life with strangers via this blog. And yes, one day i do want to move to New York and pursue a career. It would be ideal in fashion, but for starters, a job in general will do good. it's where I see myself in a few years. I know it is a very typical thing to say, and everyone wants to do the same one day, but I know that if you make your own path to that, it will happen to you. It takes dedication, motivation, and God knows how many more things to make it there but I will.
Now, aside from that, my flirting nature has been calm, as I am taking most of my energy to use on my own self and school work. It would be a dream to have a guy walk up to you and be all you want him to but there will be a time and place for that too. Well, that is all from me today. I know my writing changes everyday but it is mainly because things that happen throughout that day are very different and leave strange marks whether good or bad, fiction or non-fiction inspired.
For now that is all and I hope you take my unexperienced ass' advice: follow your dreams, but don't wait for them to magically happen, work your way to make them a success.

Goodbye Skinny Love

I've been having one of those days where I can't tell what is the best thing to do. We are back to the guy who has a girlfriend and, if you follow my blog, you know that we are "friends" now. Well, were until I make an almost decision. Not sure what it means? Neither do I. 

As much the time we spend together feels great it is a different type of good from each side. On his it's the great feeling when he is spending time with me, when on mine it's because I have still been holding onto that tiny ball of hope where we might end up together. God knows reality of that is so blurred and promiscuous that pushing myself as far away from his is the best thing I can do for myself. 

In all plain truth, I want to talk to him as much as possible and spend every second I can just listening to his words but we know I will enjoy the view more than anything. Now, I can't promise I will go through with what I want to because the heart wants what it wants, but I know I need to take a break from men altogether because I have seen no success in my love life for so long that giving up on the hunt is a smart move.

Now, let me not prolong this anymore.  I need to get my shit together. I cried again, after almost a week without tears, and it did nothing useful so I stopped myself before it was too late. Even if not real, I need to make myself believe I do not need him in my life because there is no other way I can get out of this painful ring. Even repeating that his choice is made doesn't help because for some reason I do not feel the certainty behind it. Well, I will read and study now to keep myself busy and away from any negativity. 

Where Can I Buy One?

Can i tell you a secret? I miss being in a relationship. 

Now, I can feel your judgment coming along but, as much as being single has its perks, having someone to sleep next to is really nice. My standards have been changing. For better, of course. Probably not for most guys who are interested in me but I need to set some expectations from the male population if I want to be happy. So, I learn more with each day how much attraction bearded man hold. Tattos work as well. I know I set no example, and even worse, I tend to be the opposite of useful when it comes to finding yourself. I have an attractive neighbor. I see him around sometime, once every couple weeks and he can't get his eyes off from me. He was even in shock when he learned we live on the same floor, opposite side. Maybe I should hint him a better smile? Eye contact next time? Because he seems like an interesting person who is not exactly my age. I don't plan on going crazy and dating men over 30, but over 20 would be nice enough. 

Another guy who caught my eye was a worker at Cotton On. The new store magnetized with PacSun cheap runs and attractive retail workers, attracted my friend and I inside its four walls today. Another friend sent me a snapchat and as I posed to send one back, a worker drops a comment on me: you took a good one, I could tell. And I could tell your old school haircut, small stretch and tattoos could make you an interesting date. You see a pattern coming in? Well,if it wasn't for a ruined moment with me exiting the store, I would've loved to stay and flirt, even sneak in my number to the beautiful man behind the racks of clothes.

Now, you can tell I am moving on from that one I wrote poetic non-fiction about. Give me more time and I will show you how much more interesting my life can get. 

That Type of Man

We can connect my view on reality with the ties of books I read. As I stick to fiction, because there is nothing better than make-believe stories, a real journalist will take the time to appreciate something that actually happened. Maybe it's time for me to reflect on that.
My big plan for the weekend is to enjoy the new episode of Hannibal, find some books to read (and I mean actually read thoroughly, not give up after 30 pages),  study for whatever is left of this semester, and write about my improvements. I should tell you about lessons I learn through the day, because if I aspire to be a Carrie Bradshaw, nothing better than personal experience can be your guiding light. You seem , I am proud of myself. That man, I wrote most posts about? Yeah, I am still not over him but I am over the idea of him. We do enjoy each others company, and there is still chemistry, but its kept on the low until he is sure what to do. Lucky for me, as I grow more independent each day, I attract man with that smile on my face. So, let's just say, he is not the only man in the world for me.
I am back to my flirty self, and the self-esteem boost given with that is so great it can make my day that much better.
Now, not every day can bring me great wisdom, but every day brings so much more and that is why you need to, not only live, but be alive. The book I am reading at the moment (my Croatian guide through life), told me to always focus on exactly what I want and make it as clear as possible by wanting it from my heart. As the author used a interesting example of going to a dance where most boys were shorter than her and nobody asked her to it, she listens to her mother by setting bigger goals for her: that she will find a man taller than her, who will take her to the dance. Of course, there is more detail in the book, but for now this will do. With setting those goals for herself, she found a date 3 days before the dance and he was everything she wanted and more. How corny, right? Well, it might be, but at least she got what she wanted.
For me it is much more complicated because, as much I try to deny it, some details are really important to me on men. preferably tall (taller than me is already good), with that rugged, masculine style (beard and all), luscious lips and a way with his body that can pull me in through air. I know, I fantasize a lot, but at the end of the day it's what I want, and if I lead myself toward finding such a man, he will come on his own (pun not intended).
Now, dear reader, go on and fantasize about your dream lover. I want you to prove yourself deserving of that person just by imagining what you want and need exactly, and I will go back to my reality because I spend too much time in the cloud.

I Want To Be Alive

A few days off from writing and my hands start shaking in a way only caffeine could do to me (or drugs on some people).
So, I turned 20 on Tuesday. I know, very exciting and as always the same questions line up: Do you feel different? any back pain yet? What are you going to do on this magical day?
I did not feel different until yesterday when I made many life changing decisions regarding the way I treat myself. You see, I let other people control my behavior through words and acts as I lay aside watching and waiting for a reason to be angry or cry. That is, any excuse to not concentrate on what is really important in life; finding myself. The discovery of my love for writing led men to study Journalism, but my craving for the life in the city should lead me to no other than New York City. I know what you're thinking more than anything right now. Why am I not writing about my love life because, after all, it seemed like the most interesting thing about me. Well, my dear readers, I want to spend this year showing myself everything I am capable of and not letting anything or anyone stop me.
I want to write as much about love as I have before but to be honest, right now there is no specific love happening in my life other than the one I share with my family, friends and myself. And, according to my mother, men are more attracted to women who know what they want, are independent enough to not need them in a way that is too clingy and, in the end, annoying. The minute I find myself and stop caring when will I find the love of my life, he will find his way to me and magic will happen. You know I am no cheesy person when it comes to love, but I do believe in ending up with someone who will appreciate and love me through all my flaws.
Now, where was I? Oh yes, loving myself. I even stopped biting my nails because it is getting old and annoying and I need to calm down, breathe in and then out and read more books. Only two weeks left of this semester and I need to keep my grades high enough to be proud of myself, and then I can move to the next chapter.
I sure hope you will follow me on this adventure, reader, because I want to show you how great life can be when you learn to adore all that you already have rather than mourning over what was never yours.

Short Poems

A walk in the park, with Arctic Monkeys blasting my ears, does more to my well being than thinking about him ever has.

For some strange reason I have been appreciating myself more and more as each day passes. I should know better than to think I am not better than all of this because when I look at myself in the mirror I am proud of what I see and who I have become, 2 days prior to by 20th birthday. I wish i could make a big deal out of it, and I might, but for now it's going to be me, myself and I doing everything possible to stay as important ad I truly am and should be. 

Frozen

Once the tears have dried, and I boost my ego by being realistic, the words coming out of my mouth will hit you like a cold heavy stone.

Why do we let ourselves feel this much? Or better yet, let men know of what we feel? For me its actually really simple: he said it first, and when I thought about it I really felt it, but evidently stronger and more powerful. Sucks that it feels as if I was about to start flying and my wings were cut off mid-air. Lucky for me, tre crying over his got tiring, and I am at a point where I want to point out his flaws and realize that I am too good for him no matter what. Too bad I won't do it just like that. He means too much to me to let go as if nothing had ever happened. 

That is all I want to tell you today because my brain is on overload from all the Arctic Monkeys and his messages.

All Of Your Flaws

Is it too early to say I miss you when you're not with me? That I can't stand being away from you or trying to keep my feelings numb?

My body's temperature, under two blankets, is at a point where it might make me sweat. I promise, not as much you manage to do by just staying inside my head. I love writing about you: you inspire me to do better, be better, and appreciate the little things. Try and make me think what you say and I promise my heart won't listen unless you are showing me how much I mean to you. It isn't even 10 PM and I am sleepy from all that I do in one day. Yet, I won't go to bed because you told me you would text me later. So am I really a fool for waiting for you, or letting myself fall asleep without that hi I linger from. I wish you understood how much each word gets to me.

We sat there, in silence for a bit, as I flashed my teeth in joy of how close we were. You pulled me in and left your head on my neck, leaving kisses one after the other, making sure you leave marks that will stay there forever. It is a scary word: forever. Because of its existance I have broken many hearts and mend none. Once we realize it will be forever or end, everything becomes a question with no answer: even ones we thought we knew. This burning desire holding me here wants you to be there and stay for as long as possible. I always, at least, try to move on, but nothing happens when the others aren't you. Everything about you invites me in: your dark eyes, beauty mark, kissable lips, scruff, that v-neck line, each muscle on your arms. This list could go ok forever but I am sure you are aware of these perks of yourself. 

You might be spoiled, and even a little shallow, but if its me that you want then none of your flaws really matter. 

Perception

Sometimes tumblr reads my mind and it is hard to find any other words to say.

Bury Me Inside

May the light in this room dim as the last image in my head turns to your beautiful face. 

I know, just get over him already. He will find happiness even if it's not with you. And I try, when i'm away, distancing myself but everytime I come near him and view his text messages I melt inside and feel as though reborn by every vibration of my phone. I fight for what I want because even if I lose in the end, I'll know it was worth it if only to have his fingers tangled in my hair, and his lips close to my neck. In the process of falling for someone, at least try not to lose yourself because once that happens your heart is on your sleeve and that is the easiest to manipulate for a minute whether he really wants to or does it unintentionally. 

I want you to feel what I feel with this one particular one. I won't stop my world for him, unless he does that for me, but I will wait patiently. I wish I could havw the power to let other men easily with such ease but it's hard when you know the right one is standing beside you, following your steps in the shadows, waiting for a moment of weakness to show him it wasn't meant to be.

I know i do not always make sense, and my love pife is a mess, yet at the end of the day I am happy because he let me see into that and as much I wish to have his arm around me now, maybe it's best if for a while that hand only stays there and doesn't control what we truly feel deep inside.

Eye of The Tiger

Two blankets and the temperature of my body is at a point where I can't think straight (again).

If I could, I would give you my all just to show you how much I want our eyes to lock all the time. As we are young, and much exploring is yet to be done, what happens when you find something you were not even looking for? As the roller coaster rides I imagine everyone's love life with these complication. Mine is on a stop at the moment. But give it time and he will know that the image of me in his head, when he goes to sleep and wakes up, to is a sign leading him to my arms. Goddammit I want to be your everything and nothing at all. I want to enjoy every flaw you never found great, whereas I will make it right when combined with my own. 

I know, I am dreaming again. The saddest part is that everytime I want something really bad it doesn't come true. Funny how this is not something I want so badly, yet I will wait and stay here, frozen just to let his sun warm me up again. We tryly do work like magnets in every aspect. It might be easier to keep our distance but the closer I am, the better the feeling is. As I pull him into a hug, he smells my hair and I know it's what he wants. I want his happiness more than anything right now. 

Another, different reason to not give up on us, is because I really don't have the patience or time or interest in any other love story: may they all be doomed. So what if another man asks for a date? I would rather spend 29 minutes before the chosen one's class looking at him rather than pull through a date where I would compare everything to the one. And may I add: you will lose.

Honestly, Truly

The night falls deep behind me and my thoughts are blurred. A day in the life of myself should be kept simple yet fantastic. 

From a night of misses and expectations to a day of heartache and regret. As much as it hurt, his decision was right. He should at least try and work on his relationship without me standing by. My selfishes has takes its toll on him and it made him feel bad for me, for what he did to me. But I'll be good as long as I hold onto the faith that one day I could show him the World. Fairytales are for children, and the more we age, the more mistakes we make. Consider this one checked of the list.

Our bodies seated against a wall with our behinds touching the cold floor, and we talk, laugh, smile and stare. Some moments remind me of the beginnings: how it all started. He moves hair behind the ear to smell my neck, and with it he seems as if dazed and confused. I promise, no magical potion on me besides the one of the true love waiting. He grabbed my neck again. Not strongly yet enough to make me feel like I am his again. To be honest, I stil am, but it's different now. He said not to overthink it yet my brain can'r handle anymore damage. 

I know I say this all the time but every touch and every word he says make me believe it is all going to be worth. I have no interest in other men at this point so it is all left for him to decide. I do wish his relationship could work because I want his happiness more than anything, sven if I can't be the one to bring it.

As my eyes fight to shut, my hands are shaking witht the same fear of today. I hope he dreams of me tonight, and puts a smile on my face, as always, in the next sunrise.

Don't Stop Believing

The grey skies match with the washed bricks of the tower. As I look at it, the beautiful flowers concealing the tower itself capture my attention in a fiery shade of red, and the leaves, as green as if freshly placed around the building, cover the plastic-brick-look-alike building making me wonder whether this was what I truly wanted. The screams inside the tower sound excited, not that scared which can only give me as much faith as the 6 year olds getting ready to join the ride.

The thing with these "scary" rides is in the fact that I love the comfort of a man by my side to make me feel as if I have nothing to worry about, and that I am safe. I had to settle for less but we all know I want more. I wish to wonder around the park with his hand around my waist, wearing my Minnie ears and feeling like a child in love with a new and shiny toy. He is my shiny price, but instead of standing beside me, he was in a different city, most likely sleeping at the time.

I know that slow is good, and patience is better, but three days without that beauty mark above the left side of his lips, those juicy lips that heat my body, and hands that know my body as if he tests them on me as I join my dreams at night.

I know I fantasise too much, but after a trip to Disney I want to believe in my type of magic, one that brings me closer to the one whose eyes bring grace to my face.

Fall For Me

The ride was everything I wanted and more. With all the lights, darkness, sharp turns and drops, I wish he was the one I would share the joy of this trip with. Have I ever even told you how hard it is to lose interest in a man that makes your world spin 'round?

When I walk by my friends, he's missing to hold onto me. As we start with a ride, I wish he's there to comfort me when I get scared. As I get hungry, I know he will understand what exactly I need. And once the night has come, and the fireworks above the castle show me everything I missed as a child, he should stand before my eyes and kiss me as though I was the only one for him. Whether just fantasy, or reality, I know that letting go is not something I want to do. The moment I wake up, I check my phone in the hopes of reading a message, and when the red lights up on the green app, I have a feeling he is back in the city thinking of me.

I miss you.

Those three words get me to fall deeper in this chamber of love, they mean more to me than the actual act of saying "I love you" would. If only you could see what oneessage by him does to me you would understand what I mean. But until the stars make a constellation that presents how much his attention means to me, I will continue to swoon over the very image of himself.

Not So Long

As the days are getting longer, my love for you is growing stronger. 

No matter how much I want to fight it and ignore what I feel, I remember your beautiful face and all goes back to Hell. I know this is a battle in which one loses, but I am not staying to be that one: I am staying to signify what I feel for you. How does a message saying "hey" affect me more than anyones full sencences would? I guess it is because what is happening here is further than reality. I meet men every day, and as much as some have to offer or gain for me, I know that, at the end of the day, your message before falling asleep is the one that matters the most to me.

I might not write much everyday, but in a different city, away from your touch in the next 3 days, I want you to know that nothing will change from my side of the story.

The Thought Of You

As the night hugs me to sleep, I think of all his moves ans thoughts as if they were a blanket covering me in the dark.

As I calmed myself, and decided to care more for myself than anything else, it had an effect on his as well. He is strong and so am I, at least enough to fight any kiss. But those cursed stairs give us the silence and privacy we need to twine our bodies together. Climbing to the fourth floor, with no romance in plan, the thought of saying goodbye at any point hurts. As we reach the door, he turns around and hold my face pulling me harder than before and kissing me as though he never wants to let go. Oh, how the sound of that rings in my ear as the warmth of his lips, his tongue, reaches mine. The smile on my face is back and we continue towards the classroom where I am to learn something that feels so worthless compared to the feeling he leaves me with. I want to lie and say I didn't want to kiss him again, but his hand gripping my neck makes me want to be nowhere else but on his beautiful body. 

The more he kisses, the harder it gets to leave and at one point I pulled away and had to sit in class just to try and not make him take over me again. I promise, I was good until the night, when at a girls night, the night before an exciting trip to Disney, I watched Sex and The City. To see myself in the eyes of Carrie Bradshaw got to me more than I expected. To make things worse, talking to him, combined with the first movie made me wish he was sitting there beside. Now, i don't want to lose myself in any man's eyes, but what if this is the one I need to let in to understand what exactly I feel? As the fan above my head gives anough oxygen to breathe, I'd rather push my face onto his, and feel the air out of his nose warm up my upper lip. 

Simple Mind

As I speed down Dolphin Highway, I feel numb and yet in complete control of the car. His face fades into darkness as I concentrate on Arctic Monkeys' lyrics.i feel the cold from my A/C and want it to linger on my skin as long as possible to keep me distracted.

I have no control over anything anymore. As I try not to expect his message popping out on my screen, I think of his eyes and how much I snjoy looking at them. That smile when I make him laugh makes me feel as though I am doing everything right. At the end of the day, she comes home to him, gets to kiss him, and falls asleep in his arms. I couldn't imagine anything better than getting to know more of him. The question is: am I worth to break a strong relationship? If the following doesn't cut it as material worth fighting for, I am not sure what is.

Imagine waking up next to this girl: as she wakes up, her eyes take time to adjust, but the minute they meet yours, the sparkle makes them bright as the warm cloudless day outside. Her lips are chapped from dehydration, and as she licks them they curve into a smile so bright her eyes seem as though closing, and her cheeks fill with a natural flush only blush could do to one. As her body moves closer to yours she moves her fingers on your arms, feeling that soft skin, she pulls you to her and kisses you with so much passion you lose oxygen and forget where you are and what you wanted to do. You see, I want to tell you more, but for now this is all I have to share. What I want to see in the morning is the man that makes me happy, the one that lights up my day, smiling back at me and wanting to feel me next to him as I smile and giggle uncoditionally.

As I wonder if that chance will come, I wish to spend a day with him, to make him see what that would be like. If after that he is not satisfied and doesn't see the deal in it, there is no better way to solve it than just to end. But why do I imagine him loving every second he could spend with me? I might be wrong but my heart is telling me that we are not done.

Is it so wrong to care for someone whose first choice you might not be? I will let that question sit for a while, and turn the lights off for the night. 

As The Sun Shines

Dramatic, obnoxious, selfish, emotional, broken, fixed.

These are some stages I go through in love. To be faced with a man whose power is made out of weakness is the greatest fear for a woman's heart. If I meant any less to him, I would be pushed out of this love triangle long ago. But here I stay, waiting for the next move. Since the day we met, he has gone through so much to find a solution when there is none. The only posibility is one or both of us girls leaving, when there is no darker image in my head. So what if it doesn't work out? That doesn't worry me much. What does is not being given the chance to show him I deserve to be hos special someone. I dreamed of this last night. 

There was a house in glass, near the beach, where he invited me to join him for a dinner with his parents. The flatterzy I must have felt when I saw here there: joining the dinner since his parents invited her. I hadn't mattered that night. She was the one everyone wanted to get close to and he was late and probably wondering if showing up would be a good idea. 

As that dream turned into bliss, my alarm went on and my eyes wanted to stay shut for some time.

I have decided to stop thinking so low of myself. If he wants me, he can have me, but I am worth so much more. If only someone could see the true potential in me and love me for all my flaws. 

I wonder if he ever would..

Leftovers

Would having respect for myself be too much or too little?

We all know this story is getting more broken by the minute, but unlike my other stories, the next move can't be on me, as much as I would like that. From him texting me as soon as he can to me wondering if he ever will. From admiring my beauty and character to spitting over some of my flaws. The last question is: do I have any respect for myself at all? As my head spins through the night, and these tears are coming dry, I wonder is it all worth it for one man? The one that has so much control of me it feels as if showing my true self will only scare him away more, and the same one that made me feel like I have been treated like shit by other men. Now he is the one throwing me in his to-do pile. I gave in. It feels as if that is all that je truly wanted now, but at first it was because he told me they were taking a break. And that was my time to shine. It was amazing, fireworks inside me, and what could make it better than a dinner afterwards?

An almost perfect night turned into hell for me when he told me he talked to her last night. As I found out almost 24 later, they are not actually takong a break. I feel used, upset, and I want to throw up. No promises were made, we all know that, but for him to jump from one to the other? That is apsurd. 

I am at a point where I am certain he has no respect for me. And I am probably right. Unfortunately, I have to make it through the night without feeling sick wth the image of her where I was the night before. So, help me, I did nothing to deserve this. Why does my choice in men get worse by the day? 

Take Out The Trash

Like a broken toy, we are going over it again. Today I gave him a reason to pull away from my reach with my emotional self. Could crying really be such a game changer?

As I try to show him my true self, he is getting closer by each day. As he does so I make a mistake: make myself feel better by crying. Seems a though a sin, because his reaction-turned-into-words made me wonder if this is actually headed anywhere? 

Every time I try and distance myself because nothing is promised in this love game, he gives me reason to become a part of him. 

And once I reach the point I want to give him my all, he lets go of the rope I am holding on. 

The fear of this not ending well is great, but I am still putting work into it because I enjoy the happiness he brings into my day. 

I do not know a lot of things. I use these words so often they've turned into a part of my everyday vocabulary.  I never meant to lose myself through any man, but it happens. More often than it should. And I am left to none but myself. I let him have his ways, because I enjoy most of the control he has over me. But there is a point where I need to put myself out in the open and show him that I have my rights too. And the only one that really stands out is the fact I like talking to anyone important face to face. As to him text messages will do. But how can I explain the importance of that to me when I am being denied my only wish?

My heart has taken too much today, and my body denies every action I make. I will write later tonight, because at this point I need to be with myself more than with anyone else.

Purple Bandages

When the pain curled up inside my stomach comes out of my body's reach, it turns into tears that can express more hurt or happiness. It all depends on what happened to let it out.

He sat there, explaining to me what is right or wrong to do without giving me the solution: that part was left for me to think through. Unfortunately, I am more confused then ever. Here I thought it was only college that mashed my brain, when there were things that involved him, bothering that pit even more. As ready as he feels, it is never the right time to take care of such matters. The only lesson is to do it sooner because it will hurt more if the wait is longer. The guilt linger onto my skin as if I had done something so wrong. But is finding yourself in a man such a bad thing, honestly? He feels the same but what happens next stays a mystery. 

Or does it?

I see two possible scenarios after "taking a break" from her. The more time he spends with me the more he will learn to be with me, and appreciate what he's done: making it worth "the break". The second choice is the one I fear. As he spends more time with me, he will learn to dislike many things about me and wish he never ruined a good relationship. So much for being optimistic. 

But why shouldn't I be? All we do, say, touch, feel is far more than real. Looking at his lips gently caress my skin shows me how real this is. Hearing him try and help me solve some inner problems does even more to this, what we have going on together. How special I felt today. He kissed me more than twice in front of others. But it felt uncomfortable for some reason. I guess it is because I told him how much I dislike PDA. What I approve of is him kissing me at any point, but with care, showing me how much I mean to me. But taking out the parts we will not sure with the public eye. I feel so good beside him but I have a feeling we might have one little problem. I do not know why or how, but I wish he would hold my hand. Never did I find the importance in that but now I want it more than anything in the World.

Let us hope today brings more happiness and not more tears to my burning eyes.

Chasing Pavements

It is the time I spent with myself that made me realize how I use my head too much for all the wrong reasons.

It will not end. The appreciation I shed for his beauty: body, mind, and soul. I might not know him as well as I should to feel this way, but our lips do not lie and his touch cannot fake or conceal sincere emotion. I should at least try and explain to you what two days apart from him feel like.

When trapped in a dream, you have little or no control of how things will happen. You might feel as though you do, when in true light it happens all on its own in the back of your brain. Imagine yourself in one now. The street is paved, and you are sorrounded by trees hugging each other from the sides. Many rows and it seems as though it never ends. They curve onto one another so much you see little or no Sun, and feel almost no hear on your skin. As you start walking, you enjoy the scenery. It is allotoo green whereas the pavement is a gray/brown color swirled together with a finish that seems so shiny it could've been from the rain. At one point you start quickening your pace, as you don't see an end to this; almost as if a record  had blocked and it replays one part over and over again until you've gone mad. The fear makes your knees shake, and you start running hopping to get somewhere soon. It is as if you are getting somewhere but never fully aware of the exact destination. The closer you grt the more your body gives up you and by the time you actually reach the peak, you have no control over youself and you give in. Give in what, you might wonder. 

I would say whatever your destination is, but we all know he is mine, and these two days of replayed scenery are making my heart race and I need his arms around me, showing me it was worth the wait. I know, two days and already going crazy? You are probably wondering how could I be away from not seeing him for a longer time? I could handle it, but the fact that I am aware I will look deeply into his eyes tomorrow, and touch his beautiful face, make it seem as though this weekend was a waste of time: just filling up space between us.

 

Bring in The Guillotine

Reality hurts. It shows all our minds clouded up with an optimistic or rather pessimistic view. 

The truth in my love story is simple. We all know what I want: him. To be fair, I do my best in putting my feelings aside and just listening to his. It can get tough, especially letting me conceal the free bird inside me begging to flee away from its cage. Instead of my heartbeat, his is so much clearer for me.  I know he wants the happiness I bring to me, but hurting a friend is going to bring him pain, if even for a short time. Of course I want to help heal him, but what if it is not me in the end? What then?

That is my reality check. As much as I want to feel the way I do with him ever day of my life, we all know nothing is eternal, not even the true and pure feeling he leaves around my heart: as if his name and emotions poured onto me and I could never shake them off. A short time of knowing him has been beautiful, but it all seems to be coming to an end. I should hope not, but he told me to not get my hopes up. If only he knows what looking at his face does to me in one minute, he would know that it is hard not to hope. 

As I wait for the next message, my stomach is left to ache and bother as I imagine all the possible scenarios that could happen today. 

Mermaid Whispers

My hands are dry. I see every crack as if I had been working on the land all day. Instead First World problems collide. A mixture of salt and sand from no other than the filthy ocean. I miss the sea. It has more charm and beauty to it.  It feels like a story, moving from my hometown to this city of Art Deco and Ultra Music Festival. The sea was clear and calm. It would relax me just hearing the failt splash of it as it grips onto a rock at night. Everything was still until that moment a boat passed nearby. You can hear the waves rise higher as they reach shore. That's when I close my eyes and breathe in the fresh scent of the nature all around me. I was in paradise.

The difference is clear here. The air is a stale mix of cigarettes and alcohol with a  sudden faint scent of burgers eaten close to us. The sand is stuck on my skin, with no getting off until I am far from the ocean. The ocean itself is a mess. With the sand and seaweed mixing into a cocktail that brings nothing but leftovers inside our swimsuits, the waves push as away, not inviting us into its cold waters.

The only inviting part today was a love scene I couldn't help but notice. As I enjoyed my view, looking into the distance, I see a man and a woman. They stand still with their feet firm under the sand, waiting for the waves to cool their bodies. As it reaches them, she jumps a bit and he wraps his arms around her. As he does that she stands still, with nothing but her arms slowing moving around his neck. He pulls her closer and kisses her with such appreciation that it was no wonder they were meant to be. 

So was it crazy of me to think of him first at that sight? To wonder what it would feel like to show the world how much he means to me and how I fall deeper and stronger for him every day?  I would think not. He is someone worth showing off. But I have respect for him. Never would I try and push him into making myself the choice for him. If she is the true happiness for him, then I will let go of him because I want him to be happy every day of his beautiful life.

But if it's me? 

Hold on now, let us not get my hopes up. But the truth of the matter is that I want him in my life. And that it would be the hardest to let go of what he has done to me.

Beg For More

As I'm pushing the warm blanket off my skin, a chill grasps my body. It is a Saturday morning, and last night was the best yet.

Might have been his cold hands holding onto my waist, or his burning lips leaving marks on mine, but I knew this happiness will not pause. The stories he told of were suprising but they still managed to bring a giggle to both our voices. 

To get thrpugh most of my heartache and pain, I turn to George Michael and his greatest hits to show me the beauty in all of that jazz. Since I decided to sing in front of him, finally, he seemed please. Giving him what he wants shows me what I need, no matter of how or why it is done. One headphone in my left and the other in his right ear, and so I play my mixed music library. As we get to "Kissing a Fool", I explain to him how emotionally fragile I get listening to the beauty in that song. He tilts his head back, closed his eyes to really feel, and I knew he enjoyed that moment as much as I did. I was looking at his neck, with a burning desire to kiss it. My self control will not stop me with him. At this point I would rather lose myself than the taste he leaves after kissing my mouth.

He doesn't promise all that he gives me. And I am glad it is so. The only disappointment I could face right now is the one we are way past of: not ever getting a chance to meet him and learn about his beautiful persona.

Fear of Love

To think I had writer's block just a week ago. Look at me now. All I want to do is write. Might be all the classical music inspiring me. 

Do my words speak of sadness to ones ears? I would hope not. All I want to do is tell you about the feelings that overwhelm me. Obviously, much of that has been happening in the past few days. 

I listen to all genres out there. From Alternative to World music. They all have at least one artist, one song, or one part of the song that makes me feel something. Whether it is positive or negative it is still a feeling. 

I would love to explain how emotional I am, but you probably noticed by now. If I let a song or a man take over me, that should prove it. Do not think for one second that I usually let men do that to me. I might let myself feel but it is hard to completely take over my stubbornness. The idea that comes with me should be Marina and the Diamonds' song Heartbreaker. We, girls, need to do everything to keep our hearts from breaking. If that means "breaking" men, then let be it. But we all know that doesn't last forever because there comes a man that steals our heart and there is no turning back. Usually it happens with the wrong one. You know my situation, and there is nothing I can do about it. Everyday I fall deeper into this black hole eating me from the inside out. 

I know the right thing to do. But the question is: does my heart consider stopping this the right thing?

So if you are not familiar with the rules to keep you from getting hurt this is how it all goes.

This has helped me from getting seriously hurt (for now). But all the rules break once that kiss feels like, in the words of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight; "your own brand of heroin".

I know, I know. I am in deep shit right now. Even if I feel defeat I will know what I felt was surreal. I guess that is why some of my words seem like pure fiction. I turn it to another realm of real life with my comparisons. 

All that's left to say is; be careful when you kiss someone. They could be the one for you. I do not believe in love at first sight, but a kiss tells a different story. No, I am not in love. That is simply because the mere idea of it scares me. But who knows where this road will take me.

Moonlight Sonata

I had trouble keeping the tears from falling down my face. I could feel some salt on my lips. Everything else collided on the tip on my chin and fell down on the wooden floor. I was staring at my reflection in the mirror, embarrassed by what I let happen. If nothing else, my eyes were a piercing green that shot right through the dusty image of myself.

The imagery in my head might be overwhelming sometimes. I enjoy sharing it, but the chaotic feel never stops.
We met late afternoon, to study. Crazy to think you could concentrate with one you want so badly. And yet it is happening with us. I turn away for a second and the guilt that is trapped deep inside me comes out to play. His head tilts toward mine and I forget it. Again. Burying it deeper with each look at his face.
He always has a light smile on his face. I say light because I flash my teeth and squint my eyes so much that it is almost as if I will be locked in that facial expression forever.  He seemed so happy last night; just talking to me and leaning towards my body. His smile was so wide and honest it brought me joy and pain at the same time.

So, how does one go from that to pulling my hair so tightly I lose all control of my body? Pushing me against a wall and holding tightly onto my neck. The destination hadn't mattered at that point. All that   was important is him hearing my body beg for more.
A faint moan coming from his mouth felt more like a purr to my ear. He liked everything that I was doing to him. The way I smiled at him, just a devil to his accomplice, held onto him so tightly making him feel like I will never let go. And if I had a choice, I never would untangle my hands from his body.
As the howling wind hugs the trees in the night, my body dances around to the song of his hands. Piano Sonata No.14 in C Sharp Minor playing in the background. How does one compare the work of  Ludwig van Beethoven to the way of showing affection to a woman?
With the mystery and need for him, I hear nothing but the piano faintly playing in the back of my own sanity.

Poetic Justice

Have you closed your eyes last night and questioned every decision you've made so far in life? I hope not. I hope you let your brain enter a zone of serenity and relax as it goes deeper into the state of sleep.

He has a girl. He has been with her for some time. Please, do not judge me yet. Give me some time to explain. You might understand what it is like to fall for someone from one touch, one kiss. Or hate me for being selfish and looking after my own better good.
As I feel each of his fingers tightening around my neck, I take the last breath and hold it. Just enough to feel goosebumps and warmth take over my body. His kiss, just below my ear, makes me start breathing again, but as I do, the quick breaths take me to the stage of near fatigue. The closer he is to my ear the faster my heart beats and I have no control over myself anymore.
Time seems like a mere memory at the sight of his eyes. Everything turns into the work of Dali. The darkness and innocence lurking from within his eyes make me get closer. As I do, we connect as magnets and being away afterwards is one of the hardest buttons to button.  Still not certain of what I feel for him, I find myself lost and confused. Imagine a young deer crossing the road at night. The fear is similar.

I know. My comparison and imagination is far too vivid for words to even show a fraction of what really happens when we are together. If anyone ever got inside my head, I would welcome them into the land of confusion without a map or compass, to see whether anyone could find themselves in my position.
If you are scared of anything, it should be my words getting under your skin. I will try to keep my poetic side aside, but love makes me turn into an insane romantic, where I should not be compared to the beautiful words of the greatest poets of the past, but rather to only myself. I inspire from tragic masterminds, and lovesick fools. And with that, you have a girl with no other words left to say.

Welcome To Reality

As a give it a third try, I wonder if this is truly something that makes me happy. I started with almost a journal-based blog. Made a few posts and realized I am not "feeling it". After that came a fashion blog. It was all rainbows and butterflies until I had no time or patience to play dress up almost everyday. This should be the best of me. Something haunting me, and whispering untold stories to my ear.
What makes me so special and interesting to people? My love life. Or sex life, however you prefer. It's filled with many stories that unwrap on their own. I would like to lie and say that I am 20 and I have so much experience it should be a sin. When I am 20 in a little less than a month, and I have only been in 3 serious relationships. Everything else was fun. Iconic, huh?
I want to introduce you to the writer of these stories as a lost cause. In a positive light, of course. She is still the same, confused girl she was when starting elementary school and ending high school.  Best way to solve any problems? Dancing it out, or crying. Sometimes both work.'
As I write this post, I have an image of her questioning whether sharing this part of her life is appropriate or not.
But then again, sex seems to be the topic of choice for many readers out there.
So prepare to go on a journey of a foreign college student, on the verge of a breakdown.