As much the time we spend together feels great it is a different type of good from each side. On his it's the great feeling when he is spending time with me, when on mine it's because I have still been holding onto that tiny ball of hope where we might end up together. God knows reality of that is so blurred and promiscuous that pushing myself as far away from his is the best thing I can do for myself.
In all plain truth, I want to talk to him as much as possible and spend every second I can just listening to his words but we know I will enjoy the view more than anything. Now, I can't promise I will go through with what I want to because the heart wants what it wants, but I know I need to take a break from men altogether because I have seen no success in my love life for so long that giving up on the hunt is a smart move.
Now, let me not prolong this anymore. I need to get my shit together. I cried again, after almost a week without tears, and it did nothing useful so I stopped myself before it was too late. Even if not real, I need to make myself believe I do not need him in my life because there is no other way I can get out of this painful ring. Even repeating that his choice is made doesn't help because for some reason I do not feel the certainty behind it. Well, I will read and study now to keep myself busy and away from any negativity.