Sunday, March 30, 2014

Short Poems

A walk in the park, with Arctic Monkeys blasting my ears, does more to my well being than thinking about him ever has.
For some strange reason I have been appreciating myself more and more as each day passes. I should know better than to think I am not better than all of this because when I look at myself in the mirror I am proud of what I see and who I have become, 2 days prior to by 20th birthday. I wish i could make a big deal out of it, and I might, but for now it's going to be me, myself and I doing everything possible to stay as important ad I truly am and should be. 

Saturday, March 29, 2014


Once the tears have dried, and I boost my ego by being realistic, the words coming out of my mouth will hit you like a cold heavy stone.
Why do we let ourselves feel this much? Or better yet, let men know of what we feel? For me its actually really simple: he said it first, and when I thought about it I really felt it, but evidently stronger and more powerful. Sucks that it feels as if I was about to start flying and my wings were cut off mid-air. Lucky for me, tre crying over his got tiring, and I am at a point where I want to point out his flaws and realize that I am too good for him no matter what. Too bad I won't do it just like that. He means too much to me to let go as if nothing had ever happened. 
That is all I want to tell you today because my brain is on overload from all the Arctic Monkeys and his messages.

Friday, March 28, 2014

All Of Your Flaws

Is it too early to say I miss you when you're not with me? That I can't stand being away from you or trying to keep my feelings numb?
My body's temperature, under two blankets, is at a point where it might make me sweat. I promise, not as much you manage to do by just staying inside my head. I love writing about you: you inspire me to do better, be better, and appreciate the little things. Try and make me think what you say and I promise my heart won't listen unless you are showing me how much I mean to you. It isn't even 10 PM and I am sleepy from all that I do in one day. Yet, I won't go to bed because you told me you would text me later. So am I really a fool for waiting for you, or letting myself fall asleep without that hi I linger from. I wish you understood how much each word gets to me.
We sat there, in silence for a bit, as I flashed my teeth in joy of how close we were. You pulled me in and left your head on my neck, leaving kisses one after the other, making sure you leave marks that will stay there forever. It is a scary word: forever. Because of its existance I have broken many hearts and mend none. Once we realize it will be forever or end, everything becomes a question with no answer: even ones we thought we knew. This burning desire holding me here wants you to be there and stay for as long as possible. I always, at least, try to move on, but nothing happens when the others aren't you. Everything about you invites me in: your dark eyes, beauty mark, kissable lips, scruff, that v-neck line, each muscle on your arms. This list could go ok forever but I am sure you are aware of these perks of yourself. 
You might be spoiled, and even a little shallow, but if its me that you want then none of your flaws really matter. 


Sometimes tumblr reads my mind and it is hard to find any other words to say.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Bury Me Inside

May the light in this room dim as the last image in my head turns to your beautiful face. 
I know, just get over him already. He will find happiness even if it's not with you. And I try, when i'm away, distancing myself but everytime I come near him and view his text messages I melt inside and feel as though reborn by every vibration of my phone. I fight for what I want because even if I lose in the end, I'll know it was worth it if only to have his fingers tangled in my hair, and his lips close to my neck. In the process of falling for someone, at least try not to lose yourself because once that happens your heart is on your sleeve and that is the easiest to manipulate for a minute whether he really wants to or does it unintentionally. 
I want you to feel what I feel with this one particular one. I won't stop my world for him, unless he does that for me, but I will wait patiently. I wish I could havw the power to let other men easily with such ease but it's hard when you know the right one is standing beside you, following your steps in the shadows, waiting for a moment of weakness to show him it wasn't meant to be.

I know i do not always make sense, and my love pife is a mess, yet at the end of the day I am happy because he let me see into that and as much I wish to have his arm around me now, maybe it's best if for a while that hand only stays there and doesn't control what we truly feel deep inside.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Eye of The Tiger

Two blankets and the temperature of my body is at a point where I can't think straight (again).
If I could, I would give you my all just to show you how much I want our eyes to lock all the time. As we are young, and much exploring is yet to be done, what happens when you find something you were not even looking for? As the roller coaster rides I imagine everyone's love life with these complication. Mine is on a stop at the moment. But give it time and he will know that the image of me in his head, when he goes to sleep and wakes up, to is a sign leading him to my arms. Goddammit I want to be your everything and nothing at all. I want to enjoy every flaw you never found great, whereas I will make it right when combined with my own. 
I know, I am dreaming again. The saddest part is that everytime I want something really bad it doesn't come true. Funny how this is not something I want so badly, yet I will wait and stay here, frozen just to let his sun warm me up again. We tryly do work like magnets in every aspect. It might be easier to keep our distance but the closer I am, the better the feeling is. As I pull him into a hug, he smells my hair and I know it's what he wants. I want his happiness more than anything right now. 
Another, different reason to not give up on us, is because I really don't have the patience or time or interest in any other love story: may they all be doomed. So what if another man asks for a date? I would rather spend 29 minutes before the chosen one's class looking at him rather than pull through a date where I would compare everything to the one. And may I add: you will lose.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Honestly, Truly

The night falls deep behind me and my thoughts are blurred. A day in the life of myself should be kept simple yet fantastic. 
From a night of misses and expectations to a day of heartache and regret. As much as it hurt, his decision was right. He should at least try and work on his relationship without me standing by. My selfishes has takes its toll on him and it made him feel bad for me, for what he did to me. But I'll be good as long as I hold onto the faith that one day I could show him the World. Fairytales are for children, and the more we age, the more mistakes we make. Consider this one checked of the list.
Our bodies seated against a wall with our behinds touching the cold floor, and we talk, laugh, smile and stare. Some moments remind me of the beginnings: how it all started. He moves hair behind the ear to smell my neck, and with it he seems as if dazed and confused. I promise, no magical potion on me besides the one of the true love waiting. He grabbed my neck again. Not strongly yet enough to make me feel like I am his again. To be honest, I stil am, but it's different now. He said not to overthink it yet my brain can'r handle anymore damage. 
I know I say this all the time but every touch and every word he says make me believe it is all going to be worth. I have no interest in other men at this point so it is all left for him to decide. I do wish his relationship could work because I want his happiness more than anything, sven if I can't be the one to bring it.
As my eyes fight to shut, my hands are shaking witht the same fear of today. I hope he dreams of me tonight, and puts a smile on my face, as always, in the next sunrise.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Don't Stop Believing

The grey skies match with the washed bricks of the tower. As I look at it, the beautiful flowers concealing the tower itself capture my attention in a fiery shade of red, and the leaves, as green as if freshly placed around the building, cover the plastic-brick-look-alike building making me wonder whether this was what I truly wanted. The screams inside the tower sound excited, not that scared which can only give me as much faith as the 6 year olds getting ready to join the ride.
The thing with these "scary" rides is in the fact that I love the comfort of a man by my side to make me feel as if I have nothing to worry about, and that I am safe. I had to settle for less but we all know I want more. I wish to wonder around the park with his hand around my waist, wearing my Minnie ears and feeling like a child in love with a new and shiny toy. He is my shiny price, but instead of standing beside me, he was in a different city, most likely sleeping at the time.
I know that slow is good, and patience is better, but three days without that beauty mark above the left side of his lips, those juicy lips that heat my body, and hands that know my body as if he tests them on me as I join my dreams at night.
I know I fantasise too much, but after a trip to Disney I want to believe in my type of magic, one that brings me closer to the one whose eyes bring grace to my face.

Fall For Me

The ride was everything I wanted and more. With all the lights, darkness, sharp turns and drops, I wish he was the one I would share the joy of this trip with. Have I ever even told you how hard it is to lose interest in a man that makes your world spin 'round?
When I walk by my friends, he's missing to hold onto me. As we start with a ride, I wish he's there to comfort me when I get scared. As I get hungry, I know he will understand what exactly I need. And once the night has come, and the fireworks above the castle show me everything I missed as a child, he should stand before my eyes and kiss me as though I was the only one for him. Whether just fantasy, or reality, I know that letting go is not something I want to do. The moment I wake up, I check my phone in the hopes of reading a message, and when the red lights up on the green app, I have a feeling he is back in the city thinking of me.
I miss you.
Those three words get me to fall deeper in this chamber of love, they mean more to me than the actual act of saying "I love you" would. If only you could see what oneessage by him does to me you would understand what I mean. But until the stars make a constellation that presents how much his attention means to me, I will continue to swoon over the very image of himself.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Not So Long

As the days are getting longer, my love for you is growing stronger. 
No matter how much I want to fight it and ignore what I feel, I remember your beautiful face and all goes back to Hell. I know this is a battle in which one loses, but I am not staying to be that one: I am staying to signify what I feel for you. How does a message saying "hey" affect me more than anyones full sencences would? I guess it is because what is happening here is further than reality. I meet men every day, and as much as some have to offer or gain for me, I know that, at the end of the day, your message before falling asleep is the one that matters the most to me.
I might not write much everyday, but in a different city, away from your touch in the next 3 days, I want you to know that nothing will change from my side of the story.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

The Thought Of You

As the night hugs me to sleep, I think of all his moves ans thoughts as if they were a blanket covering me in the dark.
As I calmed myself, and decided to care more for myself than anything else, it had an effect on his as well. He is strong and so am I, at least enough to fight any kiss. But those cursed stairs give us the silence and privacy we need to twine our bodies together. Climbing to the fourth floor, with no romance in plan, the thought of saying goodbye at any point hurts. As we reach the door, he turns around and hold my face pulling me harder than before and kissing me as though he never wants to let go. Oh, how the sound of that rings in my ear as the warmth of his lips, his tongue, reaches mine. The smile on my face is back and we continue towards the classroom where I am to learn something that feels so worthless compared to the feeling he leaves me with. I want to lie and say I didn't want to kiss him again, but his hand gripping my neck makes me want to be nowhere else but on his beautiful body. 
The more he kisses, the harder it gets to leave and at one point I pulled away and had to sit in class just to try and not make him take over me again. I promise, I was good until the night, when at a girls night, the night before an exciting trip to Disney, I watched Sex and The City. To see myself in the eyes of Carrie Bradshaw got to me more than I expected. To make things worse, talking to him, combined with the first movie made me wish he was sitting there beside. Now, i don't want to lose myself in any man's eyes, but what if this is the one I need to let in to understand what exactly I feel? As the fan above my head gives anough oxygen to breathe, I'd rather push my face onto his, and feel the air out of his nose warm up my upper lip. 

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Simple Mind

As I speed down Dolphin Highway, I feel numb and yet in complete control of the car. His face fades into darkness as I concentrate on Arctic Monkeys' lyrics.i feel the cold from my A/C and want it to linger on my skin as long as possible to keep me distracted.
I have no control over anything anymore. As I try not to expect his message popping out on my screen, I think of his eyes and how much I snjoy looking at them. That smile when I make him laugh makes me feel as though I am doing everything right. At the end of the day, she comes home to him, gets to kiss him, and falls asleep in his arms. I couldn't imagine anything better than getting to know more of him. The question is: am I worth to break a strong relationship? If the following doesn't cut it as material worth fighting for, I am not sure what is.
Imagine waking up next to this girl: as she wakes up, her eyes take time to adjust, but the minute they meet yours, the sparkle makes them bright as the warm cloudless day outside. Her lips are chapped from dehydration, and as she licks them they curve into a smile so bright her eyes seem as though closing, and her cheeks fill with a natural flush only blush could do to one. As her body moves closer to yours she moves her fingers on your arms, feeling that soft skin, she pulls you to her and kisses you with so much passion you lose oxygen and forget where you are and what you wanted to do. You see, I want to tell you more, but for now this is all I have to share. What I want to see in the morning is the man that makes me happy, the one that lights up my day, smiling back at me and wanting to feel me next to him as I smile and giggle uncoditionally.
As I wonder if that chance will come, I wish to spend a day with him, to make him see what that would be like. If after that he is not satisfied and doesn't see the deal in it, there is no better way to solve it than just to end. But why do I imagine him loving every second he could spend with me? I might be wrong but my heart is telling me that we are not done.
Is it so wrong to care for someone whose first choice you might not be? I will let that question sit for a while, and turn the lights off for the night. 

As The Sun Shines

Dramatic, obnoxious, selfish, emotional, broken, fixed.
These are some stages I go through in love. To be faced with a man whose power is made out of weakness is the greatest fear for a woman's heart. If I meant any less to him, I would be pushed out of this love triangle long ago. But here I stay, waiting for the next move. Since the day we met, he has gone through so much to find a solution when there is none. The only posibility is one or both of us girls leaving, when there is no darker image in my head. So what if it doesn't work out? That doesn't worry me much. What does is not being given the chance to show him I deserve to be hos special someone. I dreamed of this last night. 
There was a house in glass, near the beach, where he invited me to join him for a dinner with his parents. The flatterzy I must have felt when I saw here there: joining the dinner since his parents invited her. I hadn't mattered that night. She was the one everyone wanted to get close to and he was late and probably wondering if showing up would be a good idea. 
As that dream turned into bliss, my alarm went on and my eyes wanted to stay shut for some time.
I have decided to stop thinking so low of myself. If he wants me, he can have me, but I am worth so much more. If only someone could see the true potential in me and love me for all my flaws. 
I wonder if he ever would..

Tuesday, March 18, 2014


Would having respect for myself be too much or too little?
We all know this story is getting more broken by the minute, but unlike my other stories, the next move can't be on me, as much as I would like that. From him texting me as soon as he can to me wondering if he ever will. From admiring my beauty and character to spitting over some of my flaws. The last question is: do I have any respect for myself at all? As my head spins through the night, and these tears are coming dry, I wonder is it all worth it for one man? The one that has so much control of me it feels as if showing my true self will only scare him away more, and the same one that made me feel like I have been treated like shit by other men. Now he is the one throwing me in his to-do pile. I gave in. It feels as if that is all that je truly wanted now, but at first it was because he told me they were taking a break. And that was my time to shine. It was amazing, fireworks inside me, and what could make it better than a dinner afterwards?
An almost perfect night turned into hell for me when he told me he talked to her last night. As I found out almost 24 later, they are not actually takong a break. I feel used, upset, and I want to throw up. No promises were made, we all know that, but for him to jump from one to the other? That is apsurd. 
I am at a point where I am certain he has no respect for me. And I am probably right. Unfortunately, I have to make it through the night without feeling sick wth the image of her where I was the night before. So, help me, I did nothing to deserve this. Why does my choice in men get worse by the day? 

Take Out The Trash

Like a broken toy, we are going over it again. Today I gave him a reason to pull away from my reach with my emotional self. Could crying really be such a game changer?
As I try to show him my true self, he is getting closer by each day. As he does so I make a mistake: make myself feel better by crying. Seems a though a sin, because his reaction-turned-into-words made me wonder if this is actually headed anywhere? 
Every time I try and distance myself because nothing is promised in this love game, he gives me reason to become a part of him. 
And once I reach the point I want to give him my all, he lets go of the rope I am holding on. 
The fear of this not ending well is great, but I am still putting work into it because I enjoy the happiness he brings into my day. 
I do not know a lot of things. I use these words so often they've turned into a part of my everyday vocabulary.  I never meant to lose myself through any man, but it happens. More often than it should. And I am left to none but myself. I let him have his ways, because I enjoy most of the control he has over me. But there is a point where I need to put myself out in the open and show him that I have my rights too. And the only one that really stands out is the fact I like talking to anyone important face to face. As to him text messages will do. But how can I explain the importance of that to me when I am being denied my only wish?
My heart has taken too much today, and my body denies every action I make. I will write later tonight, because at this point I need to be with myself more than with anyone else.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Purple Bandages

When the pain curled up inside my stomach comes out of my body's reach, it turns into tears that can express more hurt or happiness. It all depends on what happened to let it out.
He sat there, explaining to me what is right or wrong to do without giving me the solution: that part was left for me to think through. Unfortunately, I am more confused then ever. Here I thought it was only college that mashed my brain, when there were things that involved him, bothering that pit even more. As ready as he feels, it is never the right time to take care of such matters. The only lesson is to do it sooner because it will hurt more if the wait is longer. The guilt linger onto my skin as if I had done something so wrong. But is finding yourself in a man such a bad thing, honestly? He feels the same but what happens next stays a mystery. 
Or does it?
I see two possible scenarios after "taking a break" from her. The more time he spends with me the more he will learn to be with me, and appreciate what he's done: making it worth "the break". The second choice is the one I fear. As he spends more time with me, he will learn to dislike many things about me and wish he never ruined a good relationship. So much for being optimistic. 
But why shouldn't I be? All we do, say, touch, feel is far more than real. Looking at his lips gently caress my skin shows me how real this is. Hearing him try and help me solve some inner problems does even more to this, what we have going on together. How special I felt today. He kissed me more than twice in front of others. But it felt uncomfortable for some reason. I guess it is because I told him how much I dislike PDA. What I approve of is him kissing me at any point, but with care, showing me how much I mean to me. But taking out the parts we will not sure with the public eye. I feel so good beside him but I have a feeling we might have one little problem. I do not know why or how, but I wish he would hold my hand. Never did I find the importance in that but now I want it more than anything in the World.
Let us hope today brings more happiness and not more tears to my burning eyes.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Chasing Pavements

It is the time I spent with myself that made me realize how I use my head too much for all the wrong reasons.
It will not end. The appreciation I shed for his beauty: body, mind, and soul. I might not know him as well as I should to feel this way, but our lips do not lie and his touch cannot fake or conceal sincere emotion. I should at least try and explain to you what two days apart from him feel like.
When trapped in a dream, you have little or no control of how things will happen. You might feel as though you do, when in true light it happens all on its own in the back of your brain. Imagine yourself in one now. The street is paved, and you are sorrounded by trees hugging each other from the sides. Many rows and it seems as though it never ends. They curve onto one another so much you see little or no Sun, and feel almost no hear on your skin. As you start walking, you enjoy the scenery. It is allotoo green whereas the pavement is a gray/brown color swirled together with a finish that seems so shiny it could've been from the rain. At one point you start quickening your pace, as you don't see an end to this; almost as if a record  had blocked and it replays one part over and over again until you've gone mad. The fear makes your knees shake, and you start running hopping to get somewhere soon. It is as if you are getting somewhere but never fully aware of the exact destination. The closer you grt the more your body gives up you and by the time you actually reach the peak, you have no control over youself and you give in. Give in what, you might wonder. 
I would say whatever your destination is, but we all know he is mine, and these two days of replayed scenery are making my heart race and I need his arms around me, showing me it was worth the wait. I know, two days and already going crazy? You are probably wondering how could I be away from not seeing him for a longer time? I could handle it, but the fact that I am aware I will look deeply into his eyes tomorrow, and touch his beautiful face, make it seem as though this weekend was a waste of time: just filling up space between us.

Bring in The Guillotine

Reality hurts. It shows all our minds clouded up with an optimistic or rather pessimistic view. 
The truth in my love story is simple. We all know what I want: him. To be fair, I do my best in putting my feelings aside and just listening to his. It can get tough, especially letting me conceal the free bird inside me begging to flee away from its cage. Instead of my heartbeat, his is so much clearer for me.  I know he wants the happiness I bring to me, but hurting a friend is going to bring him pain, if even for a short time. Of course I want to help heal him, but what if it is not me in the end? What then?
That is my reality check. As much as I want to feel the way I do with him ever day of my life, we all know nothing is eternal, not even the true and pure feeling he leaves around my heart: as if his name and emotions poured onto me and I could never shake them off. A short time of knowing him has been beautiful, but it all seems to be coming to an end. I should hope not, but he told me to not get my hopes up. If only he knows what looking at his face does to me in one minute, he would know that it is hard not to hope. 
As I wait for the next message, my stomach is left to ache and bother as I imagine all the possible scenarios that could happen today. 

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Mermaid Whispers

My hands are dry. I see every crack as if I had been working on the land all day. Instead First World problems collide. A mixture of salt and sand from no other than the filthy ocean. I miss the sea. It has more charm and beauty to it.  It feels like a story, moving from my hometown to this city of Art Deco and Ultra Music Festival. The sea was clear and calm. It would relax me just hearing the failt splash of it as it grips onto a rock at night. Everything was still until that moment a boat passed nearby. You can hear the waves rise higher as they reach shore. That's when I close my eyes and breathe in the fresh scent of the nature all around me. I was in paradise.
The difference is clear here. The air is a stale mix of cigarettes and alcohol with a  sudden faint scent of burgers eaten close to us. The sand is stuck on my skin, with no getting off until I am far from the ocean. The ocean itself is a mess. With the sand and seaweed mixing into a cocktail that brings nothing but leftovers inside our swimsuits, the waves push as away, not inviting us into its cold waters.

The only inviting part today was a love scene I couldn't help but notice. As I enjoyed my view, looking into the distance, I see a man and a woman. They stand still with their feet firm under the sand, waiting for the waves to cool their bodies. As it reaches them, she jumps a bit and he wraps his arms around her. As he does that she stands still, with nothing but her arms slowing moving around his neck. He pulls her closer and kisses her with such appreciation that it was no wonder they were meant to be. 
So was it crazy of me to think of him first at that sight? To wonder what it would feel like to show the world how much he means to me and how I fall deeper and stronger for him every day?  I would think not. He is someone worth showing off. But I have respect for him. Never would I try and push him into making myself the choice for him. If she is the true happiness for him, then I will let go of him because I want him to be happy every day of his beautiful life.
But if it's me? 
Hold on now, let us not get my hopes up. But the truth of the matter is that I want him in my life. And that it would be the hardest to let go of what he has done to me.

Beg For More

As I'm pushing the warm blanket off my skin, a chill grasps my body. It is a Saturday morning, and last night was the best yet.
Might have been his cold hands holding onto my waist, or his burning lips leaving marks on mine, but I knew this happiness will not pause. The stories he told of were suprising but they still managed to bring a giggle to both our voices. 
To get thrpugh most of my heartache and pain, I turn to George Michael and his greatest hits to show me the beauty in all of that jazz. Since I decided to sing in front of him, finally, he seemed please. Giving him what he wants shows me what I need, no matter of how or why it is done. One headphone in my left and the other in his right ear, and so I play my mixed music library. As we get to "Kissing a Fool", I explain to him how emotionally fragile I get listening to the beauty in that song. He tilts his head back, closed his eyes to really feel, and I knew he enjoyed that moment as much as I did. I was looking at his neck, with a burning desire to kiss it. My self control will not stop me with him. At this point I would rather lose myself than the taste he leaves after kissing my mouth.
He doesn't promise all that he gives me. And I am glad it is so. The only disappointment I could face right now is the one we are way past of: not ever getting a chance to meet him and learn about his beautiful persona.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Fear of Love

To think I had writer's block just a week ago. Look at me now. All I want to do is write. Might be all the classical music inspiring me. 

Do my words speak of sadness to ones ears? I would hope not. All I want to do is tell you about the feelings that overwhelm me. Obviously, much of that has been happening in the past few days. 
I listen to all genres out there. From Alternative to World music. They all have at least one artist, one song, or one part of the song that makes me feel something. Whether it is positive or negative it is still a feeling. 
I would love to explain how emotional I am, but you probably noticed by now. If I let a song or a man take over me, that should prove it. Do not think for one second that I usually let men do that to me. I might let myself feel but it is hard to completely take over my stubbornness. The idea that comes with me should be Marina and the Diamonds' song Heartbreaker. We, girls, need to do everything to keep our hearts from breaking. If that means "breaking" men, then let be it. But we all know that doesn't last forever because there comes a man that steals our heart and there is no turning back. Usually it happens with the wrong one. You know my situation, and there is nothing I can do about it. Everyday I fall deeper into this black hole eating me from the inside out. 
I know the right thing to do. But the question is: does my heart consider stopping this the right thing?

So if you are not familiar with the rules to keep you from getting hurt this is how it all goes.

This has helped me from getting seriously hurt (for now). But all the rules break once that kiss feels like, in the words of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight; "your own brand of heroin".
I know, I know. I am in deep shit right now. Even if I feel defeat I will know what I felt was surreal. I guess that is why some of my words seem like pure fiction. I turn it to another realm of real life with my comparisons. 
All that's left to say is; be careful when you kiss someone. They could be the one for you. I do not believe in love at first sight, but a kiss tells a different story. No, I am not in love. That is simply because the mere idea of it scares me. But who knows where this road will take me.

Moonlight Sonata

I had trouble keeping the tears from falling down my face. I could feel some salt on my lips. Everything else collided on the tip on my chin and fell down on the wooden floor. I was staring at my reflection in the mirror, embarrassed by what I let happen. If nothing else, my eyes were a piercing green that shot right through the dusty image of myself.

The imagery in my head might be overwhelming sometimes. I enjoy sharing it, but the chaotic feel never stops.
We met late afternoon, to study. Crazy to think you could concentrate with one you want so badly. And yet it is happening with us. I turn away for a second and the guilt that is trapped deep inside me comes out to play. His head tilts toward mine and I forget it. Again. Burying it deeper with each look at his face.
He always has a light smile on his face. I say light because I flash my teeth and squint my eyes so much that it is almost as if I will be locked in that facial expression forever.  He seemed so happy last night; just talking to me and leaning towards my body. His smile was so wide and honest it brought me joy and pain at the same time.

So, how does one go from that to pulling my hair so tightly I lose all control of my body? Pushing me against a wall and holding tightly onto my neck. The destination hadn't mattered at that point. All that   was important is him hearing my body beg for more.
A faint moan coming from his mouth felt more like a purr to my ear. He liked everything that I was doing to him. The way I smiled at him, just a devil to his accomplice, held onto him so tightly making him feel like I will never let go. And if I had a choice, I never would untangle my hands from his body.
As the howling wind hugs the trees in the night, my body dances around to the song of his hands. Piano Sonata No.14 in C Sharp Minor playing in the background. How does one compare the work of  Ludwig van Beethoven to the way of showing affection to a woman?
With the mystery and need for him, I hear nothing but the piano faintly playing in the back of my own sanity.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Poetic Justice

Have you closed your eyes last night and questioned every decision you've made so far in life? I hope not. I hope you let your brain enter a zone of serenity and relax as it goes deeper into the state of sleep.

He has a girl. He has been with her for some time. Please, do not judge me yet. Give me some time to explain. You might understand what it is like to fall for someone from one touch, one kiss. Or hate me for being selfish and looking after my own better good.
As I feel each of his fingers tightening around my neck, I take the last breath and hold it. Just enough to feel goosebumps and warmth take over my body. His kiss, just below my ear, makes me start breathing again, but as I do, the quick breaths take me to the stage of near fatigue. The closer he is to my ear the faster my heart beats and I have no control over myself anymore.
Time seems like a mere memory at the sight of his eyes. Everything turns into the work of Dali. The darkness and innocence lurking from within his eyes make me get closer. As I do, we connect as magnets and being away afterwards is one of the hardest buttons to button.  Still not certain of what I feel for him, I find myself lost and confused. Imagine a young deer crossing the road at night. The fear is similar.

I know. My comparison and imagination is far too vivid for words to even show a fraction of what really happens when we are together. If anyone ever got inside my head, I would welcome them into the land of confusion without a map or compass, to see whether anyone could find themselves in my position.
If you are scared of anything, it should be my words getting under your skin. I will try to keep my poetic side aside, but love makes me turn into an insane romantic, where I should not be compared to the beautiful words of the greatest poets of the past, but rather to only myself. I inspire from tragic masterminds, and lovesick fools. And with that, you have a girl with no other words left to say.

Welcome To Reality

As a give it a third try, I wonder if this is truly something that makes me happy. I started with almost a journal-based blog. Made a few posts and realized I am not "feeling it". After that came a fashion blog. It was all rainbows and butterflies until I had no time or patience to play dress up almost everyday. This should be the best of me. Something haunting me, and whispering untold stories to my ear.
What makes me so special and interesting to people? My love life. Or sex life, however you prefer. It's filled with many stories that unwrap on their own. I would like to lie and say that I am 20 and I have so much experience it should be a sin. When I am 20 in a little less than a month, and I have only been in 3 serious relationships. Everything else was fun. Iconic, huh?
I want to introduce you to the writer of these stories as a lost cause. In a positive light, of course. She is still the same, confused girl she was when starting elementary school and ending high school.  Best way to solve any problems? Dancing it out, or crying. Sometimes both work.'
As I write this post, I have an image of her questioning whether sharing this part of her life is appropriate or not.
But then again, sex seems to be the topic of choice for many readers out there.
So prepare to go on a journey of a foreign college student, on the verge of a breakdown.