Shitty First

The skies are dull as the rains pours

sending my love on a new course

in life where there is no us together, 

yet it seems as if that way it is better.

I find the attraction hard to resist

and how quick it has turned to mist.

So fast a poem is lost in there

and it is all far too hard for me to bear.

No rhythm, no talent to stow

upon my life in this fast blow

as I am to leave oversea tonight

and he will never with that put up a fight.

I am lost in thought, deep inside

where there are many things to hide,

as I am mysterious as the black sea

covering from the love of thee,

all I begged for was your love to be mine

and for it to become intertwined and fine.

As your lips may brush past those on me in pink

and no ship for me was supposed to sink, 

and the time for me to let you be is soon to come

and who am I to hide from

this life you have brought me to 

the minute you touched through

my heart and soul and made it yours to keep,

forever you will stay inside, far too deep...

Thought Keeper

I might have lost my muse to be left with words unspoken.
Let the warmth sink in as I imagine myself on the beach back home, writing to release all that I feel. Do you ever find yourself inspired by music to a point you are hardly aware of what is going on around you and what universe you belong to? Well, I do.
My muse is further away with every minute. One pull closer to me, and many pushed back to her. I am almost certain I lost in this game of love, where I had so little to give yet I end up with a broken heart. The friend is still as close as ever, but we all know it doesn't feel the same. I am to leave tonight, to see my loving parents and sibling, as there wis much planned not involving my heartache. I learned to deal with it that dull day reminded by its tears and screams with some begging for his affection. Now I get the amount I am not sure I can handle yet I need it.
To be as strange as I am, mess comparing your lost lover to a work by Chopin. Oh, the beautiful tragedy behind that story, if only you knew every detail behind those dark and painful eyes...
There will be much to inspire me as soon as I feel the spring showers pour down on my clothes, and smell the freshly grown flowers linger to the tears of the sky. I am hoping the distance gives me  new view on many things because I could use a new perspective to this life.
I have made some clean decisions regarding many recent happenings, and there is much more I have to learn. The dedication with which I am currently learning languages, reading books, and cleaning up my messes have proved me as decent person, I would say.
Now, I ramble, and talk of thousands of different things through one post. Is it because I have too many things to say? To live by/ I am not sure of that, but I know that as chaotic as it may seem, it is all in a disconnectedly perfect order inside my brain. Let it go, let it go, let it go...

I Want It All

Days off from writing and I feel like I've been missing a great part of myself.
So, school is officially over. All the finals and last things to turn in are done and there is nothing gore to do or to say. Well, not until May 11th, that is.
I know my name still rings in his ear, and my scent is nothing something that will soon leave his presence. Although I've released myself from love and all the burdens of it, I still feel the same. Don't you think I want to change that as well? 20, and stuck in the same game, losing every turn I have. Well, if anything, I have not cried,  and I have been taking myself as the more important person here by pushing towards becoming something and someone, and not staying nowhere while everyone moves on with their lives.
At this point I am tired. I've made great plans for the next semester, and to be honest, I cannot wait to get on with it. I set some expectations too high but there is no better way in making me do actual work.  Classes including Rhetoric & Writing, Nutrition and a lab, and Western Civilization: Early Europe, all ask for my complete attention through which I will prove myself as someone worthy of going to FIU and becoming a well known blogger (or whatever life throws at me). I need to tell you something though: I need bigger motivation than  what I've had so far because with this much of it nothing will be finished. I can't keep on starting on the right foot and fucking up by end of the semester because that is not how life works. Also, I am leaving back home on Monday and that should be enough inspiration to write to you what I feel, love, and want. I have all I could've ever asked for: now it is up to me to make something out of it.
I think it took me turning 20 to realize all I've done wrong so far. No more excuses, no more filters, I am putting all of me out there and I will get the results I want.

And...Action!

Apparently, as a blogger (or any "job" assimilated with writing, you are allowed to use writer's block as an excuse for not blogging daily, not having written a bestseller in the past 10 years, or for just being lazy, as we all probably are.
I've learned to appreciate the love I have for him by concentrating on things that are more important in my life. I am raising my standards not only in love, but in everything I do in my life. This Summer, my main goal is to pass with A's- no questions asked. I need to show myself that I can do magic under a short period of time. The main reason I have failed so far is due to the lack of motivation. It's not that I didn't have it, I just didn't concentrate on it properly to give me a reason to prove myself. My organizational skills (time management) is shitty to a point where there is no organization, and it is all chaotic: because of which I decided to concentrate on smaller problems (think love life), and divide my attention from the real ones.
Right now, the main reason I am writing is to motivate myself: that is what writers do after all, isn't it? All I am lacking is my own laptop (because God know what happened to mine to just give up on me), organizational abilities, focus (you know that is always the hardest button to button), etc.
I change my career ideas from day to day. I do want to study Journalism, but as I am, I want to do some Public Speaking and even Broadcasting because all of that media sounds like a life worth living for me. I know some people get a kick out of biology or math, but we are all different no matter how similar, and it's great we have different plans to encounter in our lives. The reason I look for love is because once I find it I will be completely devoted to my future since a great part of it will be there. To turn to that side a little for now, I just want someone who want cling on to me in a way that will scare me off, but stay there in a way they could prove their trust, loyalty and love to me, as I wish the same. I always thought of myself as a romantic, but not a cliche one.
Now, this has turned into rambling, and I have much work to do because of finals starting tomorrow. I hope my life gets more interesting tomorrow, because as much as it is fun, that is how much there is something missing whether important or not.

Repeat, Reverse

Promises were made, and fools were played.
As I told myself of the changes I need to make, that is how much I haven't even worked on them. Sometimes you notice them, but usually they just fade into darkness. I write on my blog mentally throughout every day of my imperfectly perfect life. I find myself dazed as I wonder why not have a nice laptop on my lap at all times as I ponder in silence. For that I would need actual space and quiet, which is not given to me until I am completely alone and lost in my dreams, on the verge of a sleep paralysis.
I know I promised myself to not let his acts divide my attention as much as they do, but he is still a part of me that I cannot deny or put aside. When you get used to just a short text message every couple of hours, you learn to appreciate it, and even get used to it (which is not necessarily good, but what do I know). As I lay on a bed, with real friend's arms around me, and those words that beat through me: "You know you can talk to me about anything right?" I wonder if what I am doing is just a facade of happiness or is it all real? He has been there for me so last night, I cried for the first time after weeks of not letting those salty drips stream down my face. It felt strange, new even, as I hugged him tightly and listened to the wisdom of which he spoke. You wouldn't believe how much such moments connect people.
The hugs that ran in every once in a while had a beautiful ring to them. As it was cold on my back from the A/C, yet warm up front from his body's grasp, I got some insight on nostalgia carved deep inside me.
I am still a broken love toy, waiting to be fixed. 
Nothing is wrong with me, really, but I go "balls deep" when in love. If you manage to open up my book of secrets, prepare for instant attached whether intentional or not. Trust me, they all seem interesting, but goddamn you, and your very existence, for fucking with my head so much.
After the day of yesterday, which brought that sadness, today was different, fresh. I am not sure I can handle all these mood swings, but I will try again, since I do not want to give up on you. The touch of our noses is so sweet, and everything it brings is agonizing me with such pain I can hardly hold it through. No more tears over you, this time for real. I do not need that from you. Just show me the care you have withing you, and I will be good. Until then, I hope someone that much better comes along, and blows me out of proportion. I need to breathe fresh air, I cannot keep on consuming your neck and what it does to me.

Old Songs

The urge building up inside me was stronger than what I felt before. 

We haven't talked in a long time, he was in this crazy love story through the time of Valentine's Day, when all that mattered was not being alone. And yet I spent than night with a mojito and donuts on hands, while watching the movie Bad Grandpa. Yea, it was that bad. 

He wanted to catch up due to the fact we haven't spoken in a long time and we had a thing going on before. It was nice, short, and easy, although it was never proven to me how important was I really. Funny how he spend the time repeating how much fun he had with me, and that he actually misses me. I believe, only because he already has a booty call on hand now so he doesn't need a excuse to hook up with me, especially not now after all that has been happening. 

We talked, caught up as he planned on (not really but OK), and then we went was a walk through a Nature Reserve on campus. Nothing expected when at one point he pulls me close to him and tells me how much he misses me. He proved it with his kisses which I did not forget. If there is one thing he was great at it is kissing. Of course he wanted it to lead to more, but with my new rules and changes, that is about as far is goes. For now, at least. He is leaving this summer, with no certainty on coming back, and you should know he is not interested in relationships until he finds the right girl. Well, I got to blow off some steam and show myself the world without that one man that is still a great part of me. He will stay here until he packs his bags and leaves on his own, because I will not be the one to push him out this time around, while we are friends waiting for some miracle to happen. 

You see, I am not one of  those who ever believed in getting back together with someone who is no longer the present lover, but I guess it was meant for only serious relationships because I repeated things with men who were only part of me in a friendly/dating world. But still, beware: your story could differ very much from mine, I just speak in the name of myself and some other girl/guy who found themselves lost in a person's eyes wondering if they will leave soon or stay forever. 

Until Next Time

I don't have to write. Instead, I want to write. I have this part of me that has been pushing me to throw all of my inside art into something worth of public affection (or hatred; all depending on how you feel about me as you read my scrambled "blogger" words).
He is a funny guy. The one I usually tell you about. I enjoy his friendship no matter what, and it hasn't been hard. To be completely honest, it has been amazing. Mind you, the sexual tension grows at moments but it falls back to average being that we have limits to follow. But I don't want to spend a post just writing about my greatest inspiration. Instead, let me tell you how life has been going for me.
Next week is Finals Week. Probably the scariest of the entire semester, being that is the icing on the cake we like to call Spring Term 2014. Instead of being your usual college student, my interest has been growing by each day due to the fact I have future plans that need to follow through for me to succeed. That means taking at least one Summer Term and kicking its ass and showing the world how amazing this girl of the name Lucija is.
I know the beauty in college is supposed to be to enjoy that "Greek" life and still feel free until it is time to do some actually job we might hate for the rest of our lives, but I would rather do the work now, and enjoy later. Don't stress: I still enjoy life in its own way. I have friends whom I spend most of my time with, and parents who love and care for me, plus myself- as the most important person of this story.
I also know that I disappoint in the amount I write sometimes but keep in mind it all depends on how inspired a person is and as much as I get inspirational moments through the day, by the time I get a hold of a working computer in private, it is too late to capture those beautiful thoughts on black and white.

Happy?

I feel zen. As if all my troubles have vanished through the nights since my birthday. Now it is as if there are no complications, and I can enjoy the simplicity of life. 

No! Wrong answer. But let me enjoy my mental stability as it is now because I am not sure when it will feel this way next. Deep down, under all the wires that have build my body, there lies a piece of me I feel as close to me the minute I am near him. It is the awe and care I feel for him. You know he will never truly leave my skin as he has become a part of it, but there are moments where, as much as I don't want to, I still hope. How stupid can I really be? But, it is different this time around. No tears, no begging. Just pure, tragic love. Well, not Shakespearean tragedy per say, but it is one of the modern age. 

My skin smells of gingerbread due to using a body butter that was meant to be used around Christmas time. Too bad I love warm, spicy scents any time of the year, and wish I could only keep Fall and Spring under my arm. I want someone to open up my eyes and let me see out of this love box I am still, subconsciously, stuck in. I will not write much to you now because I am too relaxed to let my feelings soar freely, but the lesson for today should be: Never let go of the good, but leave behind the bad. I would love to cite, but this just came up on my mind and I do not remember reading it anywhere. I learned this on my own, but I won't take credit for the quote itself. I just feel as though seeing some good in a lot of bad could bring you happiness more than looking for a little bad in much good would. 

Laters, Babe

I never thought I would actually come through and write every day on this blog (well, give or take some days).
We all know I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. Just as much as I don't believe that if you do good same will be done to you, or something like that. The more I barge into this world of writing, reading, and whatnot, the more sarcasm I grasp, the view gets different, and I feel like I am a male journalist from the 1950's. Why that age? Well, it has something to do with all in black and white, suits, and astonishingly beautiful women fucking up every man's life. To think things have changed. So, I have been reading 50 Shades of Grey. More and more each day. Yes, the book gets me to I point where I can actually feel Mr. Grey pull my hair and ask me to beg for him. wouldn't you think it is kind of crazy that the man I spend most time writing about on this blog is a more appropriate version of Christian himself? Oh, the irony is there, no doubt about it.
The balls are still in his court, and I am just waiting for the game to start (as if it ever ended, ha). I meant that in the best way possible, and not in the one you imagine as you read this. Let me tell you something, as much as I am complicated and confusing to everyone I know, that is exactly hoe much more men manage to phase me in the same way. You have learned to deal with my random train of thoughts so I hope you didn't get lost in the middle of the post. I am still here, as lucid as ever, managing to comply love into everything.
As I always share with you what I learn from my male-inflicted experience, let me show you around something that pisses me off. So, we are friends, right? It was made as clear as the Mediterranean Sea. And I have told you I hate talking on the phone, what do you do? You do not call me on my phone ever again, unless I suddenly change my mind (good luck with that).  As well as that, why do I give off the idea of being mad over texts? Excuse my lack of emotion as I send you a text saying ok lol. It's tragic, really, more than anything. I usually honestly do not mind phone calls if done with the right person, but damn straight you won't call me if I tell you no. It' such a simple response but funny how people can't accept it.
As I officially turned a randomly fucked up post into a rant about men who will never have a romantic chance with me, I see it is time for me to stop typing and go back to reading, because Grey' s body isn't going to touch itself.

Born With IT

It would be a lie to say I look for inspiration by calling for some things to happen. To truth lies in spontaneous, tricky little fucked up moments.
So, here is the deal: as much as I enjoy being his friend because he is still my number one (as I called him today) guy person. Strange name to give to anyone, but it happened. I explained to him it all because of our personalities joining from different poles. Now, the further away, the greater the connection, maybe? I won't admit to that being true because there is always some common ground and I need far more experience to be the judge, but for now I find myself in more interest with the man who doesn't let his emotions show and with opposes my almost-dramatic behavior. You see, I shouldn't be giving love advice to anyone, given my age and experience (well, with that I call actually cook up a meal), but I still do and only according to how I see things. I consider myself open-minded, but goddammit, when it comes to things I experience up-close and personal, I can't do but stay closed inside my little shell of emotions. Funny story; that has been changing as well.
But it is a good change. Now, I said before I have been looking for him in almost every guy I have any romantic interest in, and I didn't lie. His looks are first to give my eyes a "kick". With that trimmed beard going on, always in dark and simple colors, plump lips waiting for a kiss, and let me not get to those eyes. As simple or basic they might seem to you, they caught me off guard. He is exactly the type of attractive a woman wants to next to her: hot enough to keep you wanting him by your side (naked, of course) but still not too much for me to feel uncomfortable next to. No man yet compares. And yes, it has been a short period, a few weeks of being friends, but that is forever in my world.
As I read 50 Shades of Grey I find myself wanting a Christian Grey and I only read the first three chapters. I know what you are thinking: you are not even aware of the things that man does. Oh, trust me: I am. Jut the attraction is described exactly how I want it to be. Well, these books have me going crazy, wanting my future the way it has been imagined more than ever.
I see myself in the grand city of New York: a laptop in front of me, newspaper (yes, old school) by the side, coffee con leche on other (yes, first thing I am a fan of that is Cuban, no offense), typing as I am now discovering what life brings by each day.
Well, you might think this is my imagination going wild but I am aiming for such highness since I know I can do it, not because everyone gets lucky with it.

Post-It

I remembered how much you enjoed sucking my tongue while we kiss, and my body fillled with joy.

But then I remembered. I like us now better then before. I am calm and you opt what you wanted. The wait is long gone but no man interests. Ok, to be completely honest there might be some "potential material" whose smile today gave me hope. But I have a feeling inside he is already taken by some beautiful girl for the past 2 years and counting. They all are: either gay or taken. I am not sure when desperate times call for desperate measures but I am not there yet: I still have some respect for myself and it is growing higher and higher. Admit it: when was the last time you truly felt comfortable in your own soft skin? 

I had a beautiful night if it makes for better. A friend who understood just what I needed after 2 cuban coffees in a day, and nothing my fruit to fill the void iny stomach. It was cuddling. Something I refuse to do most of the time, as it is a show of greater affection. But in the arms of a real person, whose feelings matter and where they respect yours, it is warm, soft and familiar: not sexual nor distant, as most end up to be. After that my body had been put to zen and I was free to roam the roads while raging to "Phoenix" by no other than Fall Out Boy. No fangirling allowed, but it was 6th grade that introduced me to their music, and I have not let go since. Still have the same respect for them.right now, I will curl up under two blankets and enjoy 50 Shades of Grey, since I seem to be the onlg female in all of American population who hasn't enjoyed the S & M world of Ana And Christian.

As I have not read further than Chapter 2, my thoughts on the book are yet to come (pun intended). After readig Love and Chaos whose love story gave me more ideas of failure than hope, I need something to make my world spin harder than any supernatural inspired book had done (don't judge, we all fan over at least one of those).

The Pyramid of Truth

I realized once already curled up under the covers that I forgot to tell you how I feel and what has been going on in my life, dear reader.
As you might've guessed, my love life is currently at a point where there is nothing happening and nobody is good or interesting enough. Yes, I have raised my standards so high and it feels so good no matter how lonely I get. It has come to mind that the very minute I get stressed about school or something similar, I tend to stress over my invisible love life instead because it's a small problem and could be solved with ease. I assort of judged today, by an acquaintance, based on the book I am reading. With its name being "Love and Chaos", he rolled his eyes and went on to tell me that the typical stories of the girl moving into New York and having doors open to the fashion industry doesn't exist in real life. I beg to differ.
Look at me, writing as often as I can (although it could be more often) and trying to express my thoughts and finding solutions to daily problems by sharing my life with strangers via this blog. And yes, one day i do want to move to New York and pursue a career. It would be ideal in fashion, but for starters, a job in general will do good. it's where I see myself in a few years. I know it is a very typical thing to say, and everyone wants to do the same one day, but I know that if you make your own path to that, it will happen to you. It takes dedication, motivation, and God knows how many more things to make it there but I will.
Now, aside from that, my flirting nature has been calm, as I am taking most of my energy to use on my own self and school work. It would be a dream to have a guy walk up to you and be all you want him to but there will be a time and place for that too. Well, that is all from me today. I know my writing changes everyday but it is mainly because things that happen throughout that day are very different and leave strange marks whether good or bad, fiction or non-fiction inspired.
For now that is all and I hope you take my unexperienced ass' advice: follow your dreams, but don't wait for them to magically happen, work your way to make them a success.

Goodbye Skinny Love

I've been having one of those days where I can't tell what is the best thing to do. We are back to the guy who has a girlfriend and, if you follow my blog, you know that we are "friends" now. Well, were until I make an almost decision. Not sure what it means? Neither do I. 

As much the time we spend together feels great it is a different type of good from each side. On his it's the great feeling when he is spending time with me, when on mine it's because I have still been holding onto that tiny ball of hope where we might end up together. God knows reality of that is so blurred and promiscuous that pushing myself as far away from his is the best thing I can do for myself. 

In all plain truth, I want to talk to him as much as possible and spend every second I can just listening to his words but we know I will enjoy the view more than anything. Now, I can't promise I will go through with what I want to because the heart wants what it wants, but I know I need to take a break from men altogether because I have seen no success in my love life for so long that giving up on the hunt is a smart move.

Now, let me not prolong this anymore.  I need to get my shit together. I cried again, after almost a week without tears, and it did nothing useful so I stopped myself before it was too late. Even if not real, I need to make myself believe I do not need him in my life because there is no other way I can get out of this painful ring. Even repeating that his choice is made doesn't help because for some reason I do not feel the certainty behind it. Well, I will read and study now to keep myself busy and away from any negativity. 

Where Can I Buy One?

Can i tell you a secret? I miss being in a relationship. 

Now, I can feel your judgment coming along but, as much as being single has its perks, having someone to sleep next to is really nice. My standards have been changing. For better, of course. Probably not for most guys who are interested in me but I need to set some expectations from the male population if I want to be happy. So, I learn more with each day how much attraction bearded man hold. Tattos work as well. I know I set no example, and even worse, I tend to be the opposite of useful when it comes to finding yourself. I have an attractive neighbor. I see him around sometime, once every couple weeks and he can't get his eyes off from me. He was even in shock when he learned we live on the same floor, opposite side. Maybe I should hint him a better smile? Eye contact next time? Because he seems like an interesting person who is not exactly my age. I don't plan on going crazy and dating men over 30, but over 20 would be nice enough. 

Another guy who caught my eye was a worker at Cotton On. The new store magnetized with PacSun cheap runs and attractive retail workers, attracted my friend and I inside its four walls today. Another friend sent me a snapchat and as I posed to send one back, a worker drops a comment on me: you took a good one, I could tell. And I could tell your old school haircut, small stretch and tattoos could make you an interesting date. You see a pattern coming in? Well,if it wasn't for a ruined moment with me exiting the store, I would've loved to stay and flirt, even sneak in my number to the beautiful man behind the racks of clothes.

Now, you can tell I am moving on from that one I wrote poetic non-fiction about. Give me more time and I will show you how much more interesting my life can get. 

That Type of Man

We can connect my view on reality with the ties of books I read. As I stick to fiction, because there is nothing better than make-believe stories, a real journalist will take the time to appreciate something that actually happened. Maybe it's time for me to reflect on that.
My big plan for the weekend is to enjoy the new episode of Hannibal, find some books to read (and I mean actually read thoroughly, not give up after 30 pages),  study for whatever is left of this semester, and write about my improvements. I should tell you about lessons I learn through the day, because if I aspire to be a Carrie Bradshaw, nothing better than personal experience can be your guiding light. You seem , I am proud of myself. That man, I wrote most posts about? Yeah, I am still not over him but I am over the idea of him. We do enjoy each others company, and there is still chemistry, but its kept on the low until he is sure what to do. Lucky for me, as I grow more independent each day, I attract man with that smile on my face. So, let's just say, he is not the only man in the world for me.
I am back to my flirty self, and the self-esteem boost given with that is so great it can make my day that much better.
Now, not every day can bring me great wisdom, but every day brings so much more and that is why you need to, not only live, but be alive. The book I am reading at the moment (my Croatian guide through life), told me to always focus on exactly what I want and make it as clear as possible by wanting it from my heart. As the author used a interesting example of going to a dance where most boys were shorter than her and nobody asked her to it, she listens to her mother by setting bigger goals for her: that she will find a man taller than her, who will take her to the dance. Of course, there is more detail in the book, but for now this will do. With setting those goals for herself, she found a date 3 days before the dance and he was everything she wanted and more. How corny, right? Well, it might be, but at least she got what she wanted.
For me it is much more complicated because, as much I try to deny it, some details are really important to me on men. preferably tall (taller than me is already good), with that rugged, masculine style (beard and all), luscious lips and a way with his body that can pull me in through air. I know, I fantasize a lot, but at the end of the day it's what I want, and if I lead myself toward finding such a man, he will come on his own (pun not intended).
Now, dear reader, go on and fantasize about your dream lover. I want you to prove yourself deserving of that person just by imagining what you want and need exactly, and I will go back to my reality because I spend too much time in the cloud.

I Want To Be Alive

A few days off from writing and my hands start shaking in a way only caffeine could do to me (or drugs on some people).
So, I turned 20 on Tuesday. I know, very exciting and as always the same questions line up: Do you feel different? any back pain yet? What are you going to do on this magical day?
I did not feel different until yesterday when I made many life changing decisions regarding the way I treat myself. You see, I let other people control my behavior through words and acts as I lay aside watching and waiting for a reason to be angry or cry. That is, any excuse to not concentrate on what is really important in life; finding myself. The discovery of my love for writing led men to study Journalism, but my craving for the life in the city should lead me to no other than New York City. I know what you're thinking more than anything right now. Why am I not writing about my love life because, after all, it seemed like the most interesting thing about me. Well, my dear readers, I want to spend this year showing myself everything I am capable of and not letting anything or anyone stop me.
I want to write as much about love as I have before but to be honest, right now there is no specific love happening in my life other than the one I share with my family, friends and myself. And, according to my mother, men are more attracted to women who know what they want, are independent enough to not need them in a way that is too clingy and, in the end, annoying. The minute I find myself and stop caring when will I find the love of my life, he will find his way to me and magic will happen. You know I am no cheesy person when it comes to love, but I do believe in ending up with someone who will appreciate and love me through all my flaws.
Now, where was I? Oh yes, loving myself. I even stopped biting my nails because it is getting old and annoying and I need to calm down, breathe in and then out and read more books. Only two weeks left of this semester and I need to keep my grades high enough to be proud of myself, and then I can move to the next chapter.
I sure hope you will follow me on this adventure, reader, because I want to show you how great life can be when you learn to adore all that you already have rather than mourning over what was never yours.