Friday, April 18, 2014

Repeat, Reverse

Promises were made, and fools were played.
As I told myself of the changes I need to make, that is how much I haven't even worked on them. Sometimes you notice them, but usually they just fade into darkness. I write on my blog mentally throughout every day of my imperfectly perfect life. I find myself dazed as I wonder why not have a nice laptop on my lap at all times as I ponder in silence. For that I would need actual space and quiet, which is not given to me until I am completely alone and lost in my dreams, on the verge of a sleep paralysis.
I know I promised myself to not let his acts divide my attention as much as they do, but he is still a part of me that I cannot deny or put aside. When you get used to just a short text message every couple of hours, you learn to appreciate it, and even get used to it (which is not necessarily good, but what do I know). As I lay on a bed, with real friend's arms around me, and those words that beat through me: "You know you can talk to me about anything right?" I wonder if what I am doing is just a facade of happiness or is it all real? He has been there for me so last night, I cried for the first time after weeks of not letting those salty drips stream down my face. It felt strange, new even, as I hugged him tightly and listened to the wisdom of which he spoke. You wouldn't believe how much such moments connect people.
The hugs that ran in every once in a while had a beautiful ring to them. As it was cold on my back from the A/C, yet warm up front from his body's grasp, I got some insight on nostalgia carved deep inside me.
I am still a broken love toy, waiting to be fixed. 
Nothing is wrong with me, really, but I go "balls deep" when in love. If you manage to open up my book of secrets, prepare for instant attached whether intentional or not. Trust me, they all seem interesting, but goddamn you, and your very existence, for fucking with my head so much.
After the day of yesterday, which brought that sadness, today was different, fresh. I am not sure I can handle all these mood swings, but I will try again, since I do not want to give up on you. The touch of our noses is so sweet, and everything it brings is agonizing me with such pain I can hardly hold it through. No more tears over you, this time for real. I do not need that from you. Just show me the care you have withing you, and I will be good. Until then, I hope someone that much better comes along, and blows me out of proportion. I need to breathe fresh air, I cannot keep on consuming your neck and what it does to me.

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