Even That Chance

My words turned to ash, and I have been skinned-off from all I need and want.
You were my muse and now it is as though you faded with every part I hate about myself. The irony in this "relationship" has reached a whole new meaning. I wish to watch the leaves shiver as the wind blows them far far away from their home and not care what you did in the past hour because I bet it involved rolling under the sheets with all of her beauty and grace.
Watch as the next few days I use the image of you to inspire the best in me and slowly push you out. Again, a chaos is there, but I am solving it and turning it into something that could be considered beautiful in its own heartbreaking way.
Sometimes I am blocked. My head would freeze in a moment of all this free-writing and shut itself out of this World. My World. The greater purpose to all this is to show you what I feel and see. I would love to talk about men and what they do to me but I would rather tell you how I still do not know what I want to do with myself, and now, without a muse, without any person but myself, to guide these thoughts I am left to ramble and and already write when my classes asked for it. But isn't that sad? Once a writer who could go on forever about every touch, every bump on his perfect body, to staring at the bright light of this screen and wondering what's next? We all need a little help but in different things. I, for one, can only help myself in the messes I make. I would use a metaphor for this but it is pretty self-explanatory. I dream of finding someone new to come into my World as a strong but beautiful perfume would do to a room.
I see something, there, all the way in the back., I am still not sure what it is but it involves many smile exchanges and looks that send happiness through my spine. I guess nothing left to do but wait and see when will his face show clear enough for me to understand it.
But you know what? This has its own beauty. The wait for the unknown. I guess we are all so scared of it that when something doesn't come with ease we find ways to push it away. Maybe if we tried pulling it in for once, and letting it have its affect things wouldn't be as complicated as they always seem.